Aqueous Transmission

I'm floating down a river
Oars freed from their holds long ago
Lying face up on the floor of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Two weeks without my lover
I'm in this boat alone
Floating down a river named emotion
Will I make it back to shore
Or drift into the unknown

Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river

I'm building an antenna
Transmissions will be sent when I am through
Maybe we could meet again further down the river
And share what we both discovered...
Then revel in the view

Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river

I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river


This is one of my favorite songs. I have not listened to this song in a long time, probably because it lost meaning for a while. I felt like I had control of my life and was guiding it to where I wished. Now I lay here as the waves and rushes of the water crash against my vessel and take me here or there. I have accepted this and let fate take over a lot.

I feel like I have lost myself though. I realized before I even left Indy that I was letting myself be defined by my past. When I left my present offered no definition, and no matter what I tried I could not find it. I revert back to my past over and over again. Like an umbilical cord between child and mother, it needs to be separated for the survival of both.

I am a very caring, compassionate person, and I very much live my life through emotions. Yeah, whatever I know its not the most "manly" thing, but it is who I am and I know the people that care about me have accepted that. I almost feel like the relationships I built before, the person I built before and nurtured were like a child. Now my womb feels empty as I have lost the thing that gave me reason and purpose. A lonely parent bereft of the child that was meant to give them strength and solace and reason and purpose. Just like every bird must leave its nest, so much the past also be put in the past. This emptiness I feel must be replaced with a new future. It is idiotic to fill it with continuous memories of the past and try to relive it as it were my destiny.

Last time I tried to take steps forward, I recoiled in defeat, it is time that I try once again. The past shall remain in loving memory in my heart, and the things and people that are destined to accompany me to the future shall follow. Here is to moving on...here is to fulfilling my true destiny...here is to floating down the river

You Spin Me Right Round

The past two years have been a tumultuous time for myself. It seems that I have entered an un-ending roller-coaster of which I never know what I am in store for next. That is the beauty of life though, and that is how one learns the most and gains the most. As stated previously, I think my purpose coincides with being a mentor and helping others find their fulfill their potential. This is what motivates and drives me, and this is what gives me energy. It seems at home though, I cannot find that with the people. Maybe they are not my type, or maybe I have just lost my touch.

I live my life by duty to a fault. What gives me the energy to do so has been the aforementioned thing as well as my intuition with myself, but both seem to be amiss as of late. I do not feel myself, and I feel empty. My meditation techniques and other self-reflection techniques seem amiss as tell. I do not feel in tune with myself almost as if I have lost myself. This feeling quickly dissipates to replaced with fulfillment and pleasure only to disappear yet again. This has been an emotional roller coaster which has left me sleep-deprived. I have not been able to get to bed before 6AM in months, and once I fall asleep I am a lucky person to get more than 3 hours of sleep.

I was used to not getting much sleep the past few years, but I always had my energizing techniques, things that rejuvenated me. I feel instead thrown into a limbo of which I can only hope it is but a sojourn. A sojourn until break, a sojourn until medical school, a sojourn until who knows when. It is so weird to feel proud of my actions and who I am yet at the same time disgusted with what I am and what my mind thinks or leads me to do. Sometimes I am just a walking corpse eviscerated of what once was there, sometimes a man being tested for the future, sometimes just a crazy fool.

What have I become? It is not necessarily I am not doing the things that I need to be doing, or should be doing, or that I am lacking something. Something just is not right. The wind has changed course, the earth seems to move beneath my very feet. I feel empty, yet at the same time feel like I have a hundred people in my head. I feel every emotion at once, yet feel nothing at all. Maybe I need a change of pace, a move. I am trying to convince my Mom for us to move and get out of this mundane living. My Mom can sponsor me to go to Canada with her dual residency. Yes, I would leave behind my past, but it and those that mean something will travel with me. It is nonsensical to stay in a comfort zone only because I feel comfort...especially when that comfort zone has become nothing but a void.