Venting

So, I just needed a blog to vent. I am just so frustrated right now. First off things that are going well. My Mom is doing a little better, so that is good. I was worried about her for a little while there. I got a 4.0 this semester, and that made me feel really good. I haven't seen that GPA since High School. I had lost a lot of my self-esteem in college especially being a Biology Major. I did fine, but I was always just above average, and it was often very frustrating or degrading. I have classes next with all the same professors as this semester, so I am really excited. I am only taking three this semester rather than four, so I do not have the horrible professor, thank goodness.

Vegas was fun, but drama that was sowed there has began to bear its fruits. My nuclear family is involved only because we are middle people. Why can't people simply work things out in a more mature manner, in a more one-on-one situation rather than pull this inter-family political bullshit. Ugh frustrating. I need to stop opening my mouth though. I think I like to feel important, so that is why I probably say something that I should not. I need to stop this since my mouth has gotten me into enough trouble and also hurt a lot of other people.

So I got my license suspended. I have a problem with speeding. I am always driving long distances alone, and I always get lost in my own thoughts and ponderings. When this happens, I lose focus of driving and my feet get a little happy. Before I know it, I am pulled over and realizing how stupid I am. Now I am sitting here taking this driving class online which is on its second day.

Again I am stupid...When I went to Vegas, I did not want Mom to pay for me. She is always nervous about money, so I thought I would just take care of myself as much as I could. Unfortunately, I did not manage my accounts properly and overdrew my account. I got a bill right before Indy and saw I still had 200 dollars in it. I thought it would be enough to have in Indy and then just put more in it once I came back. little did I know I had already over-withdrew 200 dollars...at the end of it all, I went to the bank yesterday and had 700 dollars in fines for overdrawing plus the money I had tried to over-draw...totally 1000 dollars. I am such a stupid idiot. Just throwing around money like that. I am very generous with my money, so a lot of people think we have free money, but after my Dad passed a lot of the finances were taken away by extended family, and we live on a fixed budget. I am such a great son just throwing around this money though and spending it frivolously on others. I have to change this and become more frugle with it.

I know exactly why I cannot be a counselor. I cannot stand being taken advantage of or taken for granted. I have really good friends around me, but also friends that I know care about me but just see me as an option rather than a priority, see me as a stability and support. Yes I love being that for people, but I am tired of being spit on. Tired of getting e-mails and calls and ims or whatever all asking for help and advice. I sacrifice my time or even sacrifice going out with my other friends so I can be there and I do not even get a thank you. I get asked to look over papers or whatever and spend a substantial time, and send it back to not even receive an e-mail back nor hear from that person again till they need help again.

I decided I wanted to start taking out people of my life. I have deleted 725 people off Facebook. I am tired of having faux-friendships and also tired of living this life where I think any of that matters because none of it really does. I mentioned about moving in a previous blog, this is still looking like the case for a 2 year plan. We are looking at a Northside-suburb of Chicago and down-sizing to a condo.

I need to grow up. I did a plethora of childish things on my recent sojourn to Indy, and it just reminded me of why I stopped doing a lot of things. I keep looking for reasons or ways to escape, ways to fit in. I am just so mad and irritated with myself. I feel like I have thrown 5 years of progress out the window. For the first time in years, I feel like a fricking loser again. Ugh...

Two of my old best friends apparently have been bad-mouthing me. I have not been friends with them for almost 3 years. Seriously, what material do they even have left. Let alone writing e-mails and having meetings about myself and a few of my other home friends. I remember why I broke away from a lot of my home friends. It is so much damn drama and childishness. I guess I can't really speak on the topic since I am just now writing a blog and bitching about random things.

A lot of my friends have been getting engaged...the total is now 14 people since August for me that I know/have known pretty well in the past. That is so weird to think about. I mean I happy for them (well most of them lol), but I do not think I am ready yet for that kind of commitment. I think I am jealous in some ways because I am afraid of being alone. Maybe more jealous that they have found that companionship which I have always craved. We all want someone whether its a parent, family member, friend, or a significant other who we have that unbreakable bond with...that accepts us for who we are, that knows us better than anyone, that goes out of their way to be our right hand. Maybe I am just idealizing the joys of it all and not realizing the commitment and focus required for it.

OK, I apologize for this bitch rant. Very immature and childish I know, but I just needed to let it out. Shall not happen again :-)