Breaking Apart

I have come to a crossroads, and I think it is finally time for a change. I have been stagnant for too long, so much so that I have lost myself. A grim facade is all that remains of who I once was, or at least who I was seeking to find. I have arrested my development in a state of glum attachment. I connect myself to things and people and use it as my energy and support basin. Consciously and subconsciously I continually blind myself to the reality of things. All to continue this facade as well as placate my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I am beginning a new transformation. I am trying to break apart from the mold that I was embossed in. I am not always right, but I need to stop putting myself down. Whether or not I get taken advantage of, or used, or taken for granted, some of the blame is on me. I cannot let this keep occurring anymore because it is leaving me hollow. Maybe this play will continue on for a few acts, but ultimately even those attachments will leave and break me. I am an ancient house on the hill as its walls creak and echo with the sounds of imminent doom. Doom that is that will occur if I stay there.

I deserve much more, and it is time I take the handle in that aspect. It is time to find a new house, a new landscape, before only ill feelings fill in my past. A wise friend of mine told me why can I not have both? Go for my dreams and fulfill my duty as well. I have only been doing the latter and hoping that my relationships will give support to the former. Ultimately, I was failed, but in the end, all I need is myself. I am too generous and giving of the heart, and this in turn ends up burning my very badly. This will need to be the first thing to change. I do not wish to give up my caring side, but in order to begin a transition, it is important to distance myself, and in distancing oneself, I cannot get caught up in the minutia of my own self-placed importance of maintaining negative or dead relationships or things in my life.

You Are Not Special

My Senior Year English class was one of the greatest classes I have ever taken. Not only the content and presentation of the course was very stimulating and thought-provoking, but the teacher also was the same. Everyday he would go on about something, and everyday he would say that none of us are special. If we want to succeed we have to stop thinking that we are special.

As time goes by, I have become conflicted about this topic. While I still agree in essence to the validity of it, I question the success part. I understand that we cannot believe that we are the exception or believe that things should come to us. What I disagree with is the act of feeling special. The act of feeling proud of who we are, what we do, and everything around us. We all crave this feeling, we all crave acceptance.

Is it so wrong to want to feel accepted? I understand that acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, pride must come from within, but when the world is so cold how can we find the warmth within? It is not impossible, but every single time I see to kindle something within, it is blown out by the environment around me. I guess I am no where near as tenacious nor resilient as I once thought. I feel like I am continually being brought down. I crave something that is never given, yet I expect it again and again in my mind.

That brings me further on into my point that I almost set myself up for failure each time. In my search for these things, I come to hope and expect it at every turn from every person. Each time I pin my new hopes, a new wave of energy, all in hopes of some satisfaction. Nearly every time though it fails, I fail. Maybe I am expecting too much, or maybe I am just looking for things where they do not exist. Maybe I am forcing things to happen or occur or forcing feelings and bonds that maybe are only there because of the coercion.

I think we all need to feel special, we all need to feel loved, we all need to kindle that fire inside of us. While I do not think that any of us is unique, I think it is important to find those things that do make us feel special and loved, and surround ourselves with people that think the same and show it. I used to think I was a good leader, a good listener, a good resource, a good advocate, a good friend. As time goes by, however, I see those things losing strength. I think its because I am trying to force things where they do not exist as well as living in a place where the circumstances have changed. It is time to go through the fire and be born anew.