Coffee High

I was in a slump for a while, but I am doing well recently. I am sure a big contributor to this is my 2 XL coffees a day. I am addicted. I loved Starbucks at home, but those were usually specialty drinks. I am drinking just regular coffee now…

It is weird, I have had some disappoints as of late, but I am feeling a sort of euphoria at times. Not necessarily overwhelming happiness type of euphoria, but a more satiating sense of wholeness. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself here. I think a big factor that is leading me to this type of sense of self is that I do not feel like I have to prove myself or my worth every single day or in every single interaction.

I was talking to one of my really good friends here about a situation with another friend. I was really upset about what one of my friends was thinking about doing. Instead of jumping on the situation and showing my emotions, they made me realize to not sweat it until it actually comes to pass. I do this a lot. I make situations about out of possibilities instead of realities. I rely on my emotions way too much, and this leads to my very rash judgment. My emotions are often right since I am a very meticulous observer and good at reading people, but due to the extreme levels of my emotions I often exacerbate the situation.

That is probably the biggest change I have seen in myself. I am a lot more calm, a lot more collected. I am coming into my shell and am OK with that. That drama that surrounded me in previous incarnations of my life is no longer pervasive in this one. Drama here or there is still fun, but I think I have stepped back a lot. The drama that I was involved in before was due to my meddling. I always had good intentions in my mind, but I always went too far and over-stepped my boundaries. I am learning to be there for people more in word and less in actions. I know that sounds like opposite of what everyone says one should do. But I think I was a little too heavy in the latter. I need to let people fend for themselves and come to conclusions on their own and just let them know that I am there for them if they need it.

All this being said, I miss home, and I miss my friends from home. I am ready to go home for a break. I struggled with my friends from home for a long time, but I finally know exactly who my true friends are, and I am comfortable and happy with that. I know many of them think I have moved on from them, but they really do not realize how much strength they have given me. It is the lessons that I have learned from them that I am using to forge these new relationships. I love my friends here, and it is because of my friends from home. I am generally a very shy person, but it did not take me long to ingratiate myself with people here.
I am slowly becoming more comfortable with changing relationships. Sarah and Esther have been two of my best friends for 7 years now, and even though the times that we talk are lessened, they mean the world to me, and I know the way they think of me has not changed either. I am learning to have the same relationship with my IUPUI friends as well. Learning that though the relationship changes, and we all have new lives, the bond that we created is in fact the same, and is in fact growing stronger.

I am really hyper right now, and not paying attention to Kacker’s lecture, except the stench coming from her pits (I have to keep smelling my coffee to muffle out the smell). For some reason though, I do not think this is all just a Coffee high, but it is something more .