Teeter-Totter

Oh Wow. Have I been all over the place lately. So I guess a little update on a previous post. The Public Affairs Club is kind of in my hands right now. I am just so swamped with Mid-terms and papers and projects that I have not had time. I actually think I am busier this year than last. Not necessarily time-wise, but mentally wise. Graduate school work is a lot more draining than undergrad was. I need my time to de-stress and do weird things. Does not seem like I can get enough of it though.

I am not doing that internship program in Chicago. Requires too much time, and I really want to graduate in two years. Maybe some other time. Plus I need to take my Mom to work and such, and it would just be too difficult to maneuver it all. I also decided not to go ahead with the Student Trustee position. This past weekend I realizezd that I do not want to be in an university my whole life. I know my scope is larger than that, and I feel like it is too easy to fall into the internal elements of an university and lose the big picture.

On top of that I did not enjoy my meeting with the Ph.D. program. I cannot see myself doing it my whole life. People with the sign of Aquarius need to feel fulfilled in life. What they do in life has to be working toward a bigger purpose. Given that, we cannot simply work on something or do something because we are good at it. As much as people say I should do this, that, or the other I know my limitations in that I will not be happy just focusing on my strengths.

People keep telling me to try HESA. Besides the reasons above, I just believe HESA does not have a community aspect to it. Its focus is primarily on individuals in the university and does not on a regular basis reach other to impacting the community as a whole directly. In HESA, you constantly have to be leaking out positive energy and always hide sometimes your true feelings. You do not want to influence the growth of the student based on your own personal convictions. I think that would be hard for me at times especially that I would have to hide my personal opinions about matters that I feel strongly about. I am an introverted person as well, and I think it would be difficult that all my work in located around people and that I do not have as much control as I would like (Please see Control blog).

I realized another thing now. I do not want a public office at this point. I prefer to work behind the scenes not in the spot-light as much. I would rather work as a private stake-holder in politics in a regulatory agency of some sort. As a lobbyist working to influence public policy behind the scenes rather than in the forefront.

I am not happy with any of these career choices, probably because I cannot find one that I feel fits what I believe my purpose is. Well that is except one. Medicine. When I wanted to be a doctor, I felt like I was fulfilling my purpose in life. I felt complete and whole. I am just so confused. I think I need to go with my gut (thanks Little), and follow what I believe I need to do. People try and influence me with what they think, but I think in the end what matters is what is in my gut and what I want. Maybe I threw away medicine because I was so burned that they rejected me, that I felt like a failure and I did not want to remember that pain anymore. Ugh, I need to let go a little and stop thinking about things so much. I should not throw away 22 years of a dream based on a single occurence right? Maybe medicine is not right for me, but I do not think it was right just to give it one shot then throw it out the window. Well here's going back to the drawing board, yet again. I still find it weird that people come to me for advice and seeking stability when I cannot seem to find my own.