The past two years have been a tumultuous time for myself. It seems that I have entered an un-ending roller-coaster of which I never know what I am in store for next. That is the beauty of life though, and that is how one learns the most and gains the most. As stated previously, I think my purpose coincides with being a mentor and helping others find their fulfill their potential. This is what motivates and drives me, and this is what gives me energy. It seems at home though, I cannot find that with the people. Maybe they are not my type, or maybe I have just lost my touch.
I live my life by duty to a fault. What gives me the energy to do so has been the aforementioned thing as well as my intuition with myself, but both seem to be amiss as of late. I do not feel myself, and I feel empty. My meditation techniques and other self-reflection techniques seem amiss as tell. I do not feel in tune with myself almost as if I have lost myself. This feeling quickly dissipates to replaced with fulfillment and pleasure only to disappear yet again. This has been an emotional roller coaster which has left me sleep-deprived. I have not been able to get to bed before 6AM in months, and once I fall asleep I am a lucky person to get more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was used to not getting much sleep the past few years, but I always had my energizing techniques, things that rejuvenated me. I feel instead thrown into a limbo of which I can only hope it is but a sojourn. A sojourn until break, a sojourn until medical school, a sojourn until who knows when. It is so weird to feel proud of my actions and who I am yet at the same time disgusted with what I am and what my mind thinks or leads me to do. Sometimes I am just a walking corpse eviscerated of what once was there, sometimes a man being tested for the future, sometimes just a crazy fool.
What have I become? It is not necessarily I am not doing the things that I need to be doing, or should be doing, or that I am lacking something. Something just is not right. The wind has changed course, the earth seems to move beneath my very feet. I feel empty, yet at the same time feel like I have a hundred people in my head. I feel every emotion at once, yet feel nothing at all. Maybe I need a change of pace, a move. I am trying to convince my Mom for us to move and get out of this mundane living. My Mom can sponsor me to go to Canada with her dual residency. Yes, I would leave behind my past, but it and those that mean something will travel with me. It is nonsensical to stay in a comfort zone only because I feel comfort...especially when that comfort zone has become nothing but a void.
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COMPLETELY agree last paragraph. Even though you may move physically, I've learned firsthand that those you care about and who care about you go with you everywhere (including you ;). I agree that it's nonsense to stay in a place for no reason at all; it's nonsense to seek comfort in a place only to find emptiness.
ReplyDeleteHowever, i disagree with the second-to-last paragraph; i don't think relying on a delayed sense of re-energizing is wise. I equate it to putting off a problem for the future, or putting off a duty until the future; ultimately, the only thing you are doing is running from what you must confront. Don't wait to conquer this problem; i know you, and i know you can conquer anything you set your mind to. Try new and inventive things; seek help if need be. Be the man you are, and assert your dominion over your temple (body).
PS, when do you get your fulfillment and pleasure that's fleeting? It would seem as though that is a key to your current predicament; to cultivate that. Maybe it's not ultimately transferrable; maybe you do have a place pre-determined for you, whether that's in a certain physical area or not.
just thoughts...feel better bro, I know you deserve it! :)
Much <3 Nick
You know even Helen Keller could tell we've got a hell of a lot in common. We share a lot of likes and dislikes, favorites things and idiosyncrasies. Also, we have a lot of similar strengths and vices. I'm no counselor nor do I have professional training in anything of the sort, but I can tell you about myself, and hope that what holds true for me will also hold true for you.
ReplyDeleteYou've got strength beyond you or I know. You've proven it to me time and time again. The countless time and effort you spend so selflessly helping others, especially me, is a testament to your moral fiber and benevolent nature. People respect and love you Areef, so if you're ever feeling down, just know that you have tons of people here for you and we all want you to be happy and succeed.
Like I said, we've got a lot of similar strengths and weaknesses. One of the greatest vices that I think we both share is ourselves. If we could just quiet that voice in our head, we could do just about anything. Unfortunately, its there a lot of the time, so make damn sure its positive and not negative (people reading this, i'm being figurative, we're not schizo). I have a bad habit of secong-guessing myself, one thing i've learned from experience is to be confident. Even if you're not really confident at all, fake it. You'll eventually convince yourself, and it will allow you to be more productive instead of questioning whether your actions are right. You only live once (in my philosophy at least haha) so make the best of it. And if you're wrong, its never too late to fix it. We're still young.
As you know, I've been in a similar state that you find yourself in currently, ever since I came to iupui. I'm not saying I had it as bad or for as long, but clearly I don't have a damn clue where my life is headed. One thing that's helped me above all others: you. I found a mentor (well rather you found me, thanks) who possessed all the qualities that I admire, is successful and intelligent, moral and a great friend, and you're one of the people I look up to most. Finding a peer who guides me when I'm in disarray and sets a paradigm for me to follow has been one of the best things that I have gotten since coming here. Perhaps your answers can't come from within. Maybe you need to find a peer who can give you guidance from an outside perspective. Someone who you respect and aspire to, someone who has found their path to success, someone who is never too busy to show you what you might be missing. There's pride in being independent, but there's also comfort in confiding in another and not baring all the burden yourself. Thanks for being mine, and I hope you know or find yours soon.
Lastly, I wanted to share a quote with you that I find comforting when I'm feelin down. Its from Lucky # Slevin and it goes, "The unlucky are nothing more than a frame of reference for the lucky. You are unlucky, so I may know that I am. Unfortunately the lucky never realizes they are lucky until it's too late. Take yourself for instance; yesterday you were better off than you are off today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it's too late." I'll let you analyze and interpret this quote as you may, and though its from a comedic action movie, its still pretty damn deep. But if you're ever feeling unlucky or down in the dumps, just consider its only a frame of reference. It all depends on how you view the world. Maybe tomorrow will be worse, so make the best of today. And maybe you'll get lucky and tomorrow you'll have an awakening and find your path and yourself. Either way, stay in there and make the best of the day that's given.
This post was definitely equally long-winded, as I tend to write novels. Its a bit anti-climax, I still think the first one was much better, but hopefully you can take at least one part of something in this essay and use it. I'm always here for you, and I know I'm not alone in saying that. May you always travel with the wind at your back and the sun on your face.
Amici usque ad aras
Tony