Going through the Motions

Delving deeper into myself. I am fully aware of my actions, and how they are affecting who I am and my surroundings. It comes with my intuitiveness and my ability to see reality for what it is. Things have been going well for the most part aside from a bump here or there. Keeping up with all the material, got a Histology TA position, got a car, and live in a pretty nice house.

Despite all of this, I feel like I am constantly just going through the motions. Days go by where I am no concept of time…I keep becoming oblivious to the extrinsic factors of my life that normally I would pay painstakingly close attention to. I feel a lot better from what I did at home, but I feel like my mind is so whimsical here. Those of you that know me well, know that this is not me. Yes, my mind is always going and always thinking of something, but there has always been some order to it. I feel like a child down here with my thoughts. It has its pluses in that I am thinking less and analyzing less which has always been an aim of mine, but at the same time I feel so…under-developed. I feel like I have changed myself, but cannot find a happy medium just yet to my old self and my new self. Something that I shall continue to look into and try and discern as the weeks go on.

Digging Deeper

Everyone keeps asking me when I am posting my next blog. They were wanting to see into my thoughts I presume since I put up such a brick wall to my exterior. I recently got back to the island from being home. It was a pretty big shock being home. I did not realize how quickly I had changed, yet how much had either remained complacent at home or changed as well. The demons of my past were still waiting for me at home, and my escapes from reality seemed to have drawn inward.

Since being on the island, I am surprised at just how introverted I have become. I have become quiet, collected, and very reserved. I have yet to really open up about myself, yet I do not feel a strong urge to. When I went home, I noticed a similar change in many people. I used to be someone they depended on, but now that I have moved on to the next adventure in my life, I guess life has to move on. Wow I sound so pompous lol, but I do not mean it in that way at all. I think I have reached a point where the singularity of life really comes to the forefront. I miss the group dynamics, and I miss being that distinctive resource and support. That was my purpose at home; the purpose that had taken me years to develop.

I still have it in me, but the person that I was cannot survive here. I am not being someone, but certain aspects of my personality have gone into hibernation. I am kind of confused as to what to do, should I find a new foundation for my purpose? Should I stick it out and just get through my time here before going home and back to my old characteristics? The biggest thing that I have realized here is what really and truly matters in my life. I have largely let go of things that do not matter, or deal with them swiftly if they do try and come back. I am alone and have largely let go of my supports. I have continually pushed off dealing with anything going on in my mind. I am not sure if I am ready to go in yet, because I am afraid of what I am to find. In the past 4 months, something has been stirring in there, and I am not ready to confront it because I know it would mean the onset of a much colder, apathetic, isolated version of myself. It is only a matter of time.