Power of No

For those of you that know me well enough, know that I cannot say no. No matter the circumstance, no matter the person, I struggle every time to say no. I love being there for people, but the reason that I am writing is that it is lately been kind of heavy on me. I wanted to come to the island and start anew, but it seems like a pattern has begun to reproduce itself. I am a very-giving person, and also at times have no backbone. In order to maintain the harmony, in order to maintain the peace, in order to ease other people’s discomfort at the cost of my own, I will always say yes to them.

I know people do not mean to take advantage, but given the environment here, I know people struggle to really see beyond their own frame of reference. I, like everyone, have my own limits, my own boundaries that when I cross I begin to crash. It is at this time that it seems when things like this bother me since people are not able to read me. I feel like down here though, when I hit a threshold like this, I crash and become empty. Still people try and push my buttons or ask of me things that will just further tether me to my hollow state of being.

I am not going to share my personal life every time I get into one of these states because that is for me to deal with, but because of me not being able to say no, because of my always trying not to displease someone else, I lose myself. This is something that I have been trying to change, and I have been trying to rectify it here by maintaining a low profile and keeping to myself during these times. It seems like some people, however, have not reached that level of emotional and mental understanding to be vigilant enough to see beyond their own self and see that others function and view things in a different matter and thus their demeanor toward these people should modify accordingly.

When I assert myself, I am the bad guy or I am the cranky one. I just sometimes want to be left alone. I do not need support in terms of someone to lean on or someone to listen to me for the most part. The only thing I have ever wanted was to feel special to those that I care about, but it seems like I am yet again constantly being pulled in multiple directions, yet for some reason it has not broken me; it just keeps stretching me over and over again to a point where my mind and self are becoming jumbled and unrecognizable.