*Second Post
As the walls began to crumble on all sides of her, Lady Macbeth was presented with a biting truth. The duty and sacrifices that she was making for her husband were all a farce. She had lived her life striving to create a foundation for her and her own, not selfishly thinking of herself, or so she thought. In the end though, it was her own selfish ambition that led to her and all of her kin’s destruction.
I used to be a staunch supporter of Lady Macbeth, because I could commiserate with her. She was an idol to me, because I wanted to be like her. I thought that my purpose on this Earth aligned with her courage, selflessness, duty, and determination.
Like her though, I too have been stripped down. A shattered ego; a clean, crisp decree has been issued. I have lived my life a certain way, and I still believe in my duty. Where my mistake is that I let emotion creep into my rationale just as Lady Macbeth’s ambition did to hers. Yes, she sought to support her husband, but her emotions guided her on her path rather than her true resolve. In my quest for fulfillment, I have created many bonds and connections along the way. I let my emotions attach myself, and from there I subconsciously earn for some sort of retribution; albeit in the form of appreciation and care.
I once took pride in my personality, in my compassion, empathy, selflessness. But I realize now, that the cloak that surrounded my strengths was a deceptive one. It was one that coveted reciprocity. This inner truth has been exposed, and I have but two choices now: Lay down my arms and concede defeat, or fashion out of the rubble a new sense of self and continue on my path.
My emotions have clouded my vision; they have destroyed the environment around me. I have surrounded myself with a thorny foliage of which I must now cross. I feel like there is something bright upon the horizon. Something that I have been searching for, yearning for. Lady Macbeth took her own life because she could not handle what her subconscious destruction did to those around her. I have the ability to go beyond this. I have the strength to gather myself and fight for a higher path, fight against a menagerie of emotions trying to hold me back, fight against an ill-fated past of which I must learn to suppress. My iridescent future lies waiting; waiting for me to reach.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Adventures in the Clouds
The day started off amuck. My mind was contorted in a vast array of emotions, and I struggled to maintain a non-contorted composure. I gathered my things trying to repress anything I was feeling. “I will think about it later”, I thought to myself. My friend Eddie picked me up, and we went and picked up our other friends Laura and Rajni as we made our way to Golden Rock Plantation, the starting point for our trek to the Mountain Source.
The looming peak looked so serene. Serene, but hiding something. Its elusiveness was exhilarating me. I knew that something was awaiting me up there, but like all realizations it would only come after passing through fire. As we began our trek up, Rajni soon realized after about 20 minutes that she could not take it anymore. Eddie and I told the others to go ahead as we took Rajni back down the mountain so that she was not alone. The initial portion of the trek was filled small shanty town and villages with villagers that looked at us with hungry eyes. You could sense that they were living in an era far away from the ones that we are from.
Eddie and I continued our climb back up; the path was filled with curves, greenery, foliage, and spectacular views amidst its twists and turns. As we continued to beast the initial ½ of the way, we soon realized that we were simply in the calm before the storm. The trail narrowed to two feet or so. The mountain on our left, and an impending death on our right. The path became turbulent with rocks and mud, and one false step could be your last. There was no room to stop and take a break, so our only choice was to continue forward.
Eddie and I really bonded as we talked about our goals, our dreams, our past. These deep conversations provided a perfect framework for my own self-realization. I felt like I had become one with nature. My OCDness was thrown out of the picture, and for one of the first times in my life, I felt pure. My body ached, my head was racing, but not with thoughts. It was racing with the majesty of what was going on around me.
As we continued on our path, we noticed ahead two donkeys were blocking our way. They were continually slipping off the path, yet catching themselves in the final moment. The path was far too narrow to pass by them, and we were dumbfounded on how to get by these two confounded beasts. Eddie and I managed to get behind a tree trunk, and I with my walking stick tried to draw the donkeys closer. They looked at me confused, but finally in a very quick moment, they turned charged down the path in the direction from which we had come. The path was now clear to continue onward.
We soon came upon giant rock edifices of which we had to essentially climb our way up. My body strength was giving, and my world began to spin. Eventually we worked out way up to the top and met up with our group.
It was time now to head back. I had a feeling that the second half of the journey would be even more arduous. This proved to be true. Slipping, stumbles, collapsing plagued my journey, but I knew that this was my test. This was my test to myself that I am stronger than people give me credit for. I can handle the things life throws at me with my own internal strength and do not need external support on a constant basis to overcome my trials and tribulations.
Minutes turned to hours and the path continued into a convolution of seemingly endless bends and slopes. My legs were shaking to the point that at times they would just give in. We the path began to calm into a more rocky, but less steep terrain, I was able to regain myself. Despite feeling weak and fatigued, I felt anew. I feel a new energy inside of myself. Something that I have never felt before. Something that had laid dormant for years; a white light so to speak.
I am unsure of the future, and I am unsure of the effects that the past will continue to have, but I do know that right now I have the arms to combat against the present. No single person has the ability to bring me down. I have recognized a truer visage of myself that I hope to bring out exoterically.
As we drove away, I could sense that I had left something behind on the mountain. The skin of a former self. The mirage of a personality that I had showcased to the world. As the mountain grew smaller in the distance, I closed my eyes just as a smile crept over my face.
The looming peak looked so serene. Serene, but hiding something. Its elusiveness was exhilarating me. I knew that something was awaiting me up there, but like all realizations it would only come after passing through fire. As we began our trek up, Rajni soon realized after about 20 minutes that she could not take it anymore. Eddie and I told the others to go ahead as we took Rajni back down the mountain so that she was not alone. The initial portion of the trek was filled small shanty town and villages with villagers that looked at us with hungry eyes. You could sense that they were living in an era far away from the ones that we are from.
Eddie and I continued our climb back up; the path was filled with curves, greenery, foliage, and spectacular views amidst its twists and turns. As we continued to beast the initial ½ of the way, we soon realized that we were simply in the calm before the storm. The trail narrowed to two feet or so. The mountain on our left, and an impending death on our right. The path became turbulent with rocks and mud, and one false step could be your last. There was no room to stop and take a break, so our only choice was to continue forward.
Eddie and I really bonded as we talked about our goals, our dreams, our past. These deep conversations provided a perfect framework for my own self-realization. I felt like I had become one with nature. My OCDness was thrown out of the picture, and for one of the first times in my life, I felt pure. My body ached, my head was racing, but not with thoughts. It was racing with the majesty of what was going on around me.
As we continued on our path, we noticed ahead two donkeys were blocking our way. They were continually slipping off the path, yet catching themselves in the final moment. The path was far too narrow to pass by them, and we were dumbfounded on how to get by these two confounded beasts. Eddie and I managed to get behind a tree trunk, and I with my walking stick tried to draw the donkeys closer. They looked at me confused, but finally in a very quick moment, they turned charged down the path in the direction from which we had come. The path was now clear to continue onward.
We soon came upon giant rock edifices of which we had to essentially climb our way up. My body strength was giving, and my world began to spin. Eventually we worked out way up to the top and met up with our group.
It was time now to head back. I had a feeling that the second half of the journey would be even more arduous. This proved to be true. Slipping, stumbles, collapsing plagued my journey, but I knew that this was my test. This was my test to myself that I am stronger than people give me credit for. I can handle the things life throws at me with my own internal strength and do not need external support on a constant basis to overcome my trials and tribulations.
Minutes turned to hours and the path continued into a convolution of seemingly endless bends and slopes. My legs were shaking to the point that at times they would just give in. We the path began to calm into a more rocky, but less steep terrain, I was able to regain myself. Despite feeling weak and fatigued, I felt anew. I feel a new energy inside of myself. Something that I have never felt before. Something that had laid dormant for years; a white light so to speak.
I am unsure of the future, and I am unsure of the effects that the past will continue to have, but I do know that right now I have the arms to combat against the present. No single person has the ability to bring me down. I have recognized a truer visage of myself that I hope to bring out exoterically.
As we drove away, I could sense that I had left something behind on the mountain. The skin of a former self. The mirage of a personality that I had showcased to the world. As the mountain grew smaller in the distance, I closed my eyes just as a smile crept over my face.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Purest Intentions Gone Wrong
As I sat on the steps waiting for the doors of school to open, I began my usual bouts of daydreaming and zoning out. As I began my usual routine, soft motions from my peripheral caught my eye. A little caterpillar was meandering around a leaf slowly gnawing the leaf thin. I instantly remembered these caterpillars since last semester when I was doing research on plants of cancer therapy interest, we learned about these caterpillars and how destructive they were to the plants. The professors would always take them off and even kill them often.
I watched this creature as it hungrily devoured the leaves, and I felt pity for it. Even it deserves to live, even it deserves to fight for its survival. Though many view it as a rudimentary creature, to me it was synonymous to humans as well. The caterpillar has no knowledge of how it is affecting the plant or other creatures; it is fighting to survive in this world just like every person.
In life, we often judge and clash with people because we believe that they are bad people because they do not have the same path and focus that we do. Though I do believe there should be some cohesiveness in society, everyone has their own path and way of going about it. Rather than supporting others in their endeavors, we only look to see how it affects or harm our own path.
All of this reminded me of a friend of mine. Last year, it seemed like everything in life was working against him trying to bring his bright future down. He has such a pure soul, but everyone forgot about him. It seems like in this day and age, no matter how pure a person’s intentions are, if they do not coincide with everyone else’s, if they are deemed a menace, then they must be exterminated. How often in life when someone does something that upsets you or confuses you, have you stepped back and looked at the situation. I know putting oneself in another’s shoes is such a trite statement, but I believe the strongest social strength a person can possess is empathy.
It seems as if my empathy is waning myself. I still am able to read people and analyze people very well, but I am losing my drive to empathize. I want someone to empathize with me for once, and that is so selfish. I should not live a life hoping someone tries to understand me. Like the caterpillar I believe that I can follow my own path despite what others may perceive of it, but unlike him I believe it is important to keep a low profile. In my quest for self-actualization, I hope to achieve that even more. Slowly fall deeper into myself in terms of my own path and duty. This world is not ready to cope without ignorance which seems to drive this society of misconceived notions. Until this is undone, I shall continue to follow my purpose, even it is in the shadows.
I watched this creature as it hungrily devoured the leaves, and I felt pity for it. Even it deserves to live, even it deserves to fight for its survival. Though many view it as a rudimentary creature, to me it was synonymous to humans as well. The caterpillar has no knowledge of how it is affecting the plant or other creatures; it is fighting to survive in this world just like every person.
In life, we often judge and clash with people because we believe that they are bad people because they do not have the same path and focus that we do. Though I do believe there should be some cohesiveness in society, everyone has their own path and way of going about it. Rather than supporting others in their endeavors, we only look to see how it affects or harm our own path.
All of this reminded me of a friend of mine. Last year, it seemed like everything in life was working against him trying to bring his bright future down. He has such a pure soul, but everyone forgot about him. It seems like in this day and age, no matter how pure a person’s intentions are, if they do not coincide with everyone else’s, if they are deemed a menace, then they must be exterminated. How often in life when someone does something that upsets you or confuses you, have you stepped back and looked at the situation. I know putting oneself in another’s shoes is such a trite statement, but I believe the strongest social strength a person can possess is empathy.
It seems as if my empathy is waning myself. I still am able to read people and analyze people very well, but I am losing my drive to empathize. I want someone to empathize with me for once, and that is so selfish. I should not live a life hoping someone tries to understand me. Like the caterpillar I believe that I can follow my own path despite what others may perceive of it, but unlike him I believe it is important to keep a low profile. In my quest for self-actualization, I hope to achieve that even more. Slowly fall deeper into myself in terms of my own path and duty. This world is not ready to cope without ignorance which seems to drive this society of misconceived notions. Until this is undone, I shall continue to follow my purpose, even it is in the shadows.
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