Conflicting Emotions

Anyone who is close to me should know that I spend much of my time daydreaming about my future. Seems like my mind dwells either in the past or future. I had my future so perfectly laid out with all my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I knew what I wanted my life to look like. It's real life to say that these all changed, but it was more than just a tweak to my views, but an entire paradigmal shift.

I used to always dream and look forward to a married life, to my darling children that I would spoil, to a mansion that I could call my own. Yet now I find myself not sure if I want to get married. Not sure if I have what it takes since I think I would always be unfair to that person no matter who they are. I am way too intimate and in touch with my own self that I don't let others in. I think I just hoped and dreamed for a partner who could walk that same path with me. I realize just how lofty an aspiration that might be.

Even children. I wanted them to coddle and hold. I wanted them to look up to me with a pure innocence and love that could only be bestowed upon a Father's eyes. I owe much more to my children than just love and affection though. I owe it to them as my obligation and duty toward them and toward society and have that intermixed with a interplay of love and harmony. How can I ever even phantom bringing children into this world when I am not able to ever fully control my own inner self.

I know these are all musings to all of you, but they have been very real to me. For the first time I imagine the rest of my life as a bachelor. Maybe its my quarter-life crisis speaking, or it could be just becoming more in tune with myself. Not everyone is so lucky to create a the typical nuclear family...

Fleeting Compendium

I know I have been away for a while. I have learned a lot about myself during this time as well as the stage of life that I currently am in. I have also come to a closer understanding of how I view life: A continuous compendium of fleeting smiles and laughs. For what more is there to life? Yes I know a lot more, but for some reason we cling on to certain people and experiences in our life for a semblance of permanence. Rather than simply moving forward with our lives, we guise our path with a shroud of our present hopes and wishes in hopes that they instead will become our path.

This compendium eventually deluminates the clarity and cognitive capacity with which we take our decisions. Relationships are important, but when I will never believe that a relationship should define, characterize, or be the strength that guides you forth. Relationships should help you grow, they should give you tools to help you forward in your path, they should offer you love, compassion, and help, but they should never be a bastion of stability in my opinion. The only lasting relationship is that with one’s self or with one’s God. What other need is there? Using anything as support is just a form of cowardice whether or not the intent is pure or not.

For the first time in my life, I am proud of where I am with how I am handling things. Things are nowhere near perfect, or how I would “like”. It seems like my frame of mind has shifted from trying to form a steady foundation of people around me to focusing on my inner drive, inner strengths. Enough people have come and gone from my life whether I let go or they go, and I truly believe from all of this that while relationships offer clarity, they are an object of brevity in a preponderance nature.