New Beginnings

Yeah, so I tried to wait a whole week to update my blog, but obviously I am already hooked that I cannot wait :-).

I got into my Master's Program at IUN. Very exciting. I will be getting a Master's of Public Affairs with a concentration in Health Services Administration. It is a two year program, so maybe I will get an internship or something. I want to be a senator one day, so this will be a great stepping stone I think. Who knows, maybe I will want to do law after going through this program.

It is a little bittersweet though since I still want to go to medical school and become a doctor. Being waitlisted sucks, but hopefully medical school will still come. I truly believe that I am destined to be a doctor. If not next year, then I guess I will have to wait a few more years.

I also applied for a few jobs. I am hoping to work about 20 hours a week and also go to school. Need to bolster my applications as well as I want to get some real life experience under my belt. I am thinking either a job at a hospital or maybe with a campaign. Hell maybe even both!

One thing I have been noticing as of late is that I cannot fit into a mold. I have always been the type of person never to have one group of friends. It kills me if my life ever moves in that direction. I always have several different outlets of friends that I can go to when I am feeling confined by another. It is not that I do not appreciate each of my friends, but I feel like I cannot relate entirely to any group of friends.

I am a multi-faceted person like anyone, but I am slightly different in that I only show certain faces to certain people. No one has ever really seen the full me because I never show it to anyone. I think I have a fear of someone understanding me. I think it correlates with my fear of losing people.

Theresa helped me realize that today actually, that I have a fear of losing those around me. I can definitely understand that and where I might have gotten those sentiments (another story, another time). I think if someone understands me and what really goes through my mind, they will be freaked out and not want to be close with me anymore. I have tried to let some people understand me more and more, but I do feel isolated more then. I understand myself more and understand my purpose better.

We all are searching for some kind of semblance of stability and reassurance, so I do not think I am special in the above sentiments. Sometimes I believe I am special and that I go above and beyond to understand others, but othertimes I think maybe others are trying to understand me and I just will not let them. That or maybe what I believe my mission in life is compels me to push the limit more than the regular person might.

So where exactly am I going with this you might ask? As I am starting my new beginning, I have also decided that I need to let go of the past to some extent. I am so focused on trying to make parts of my past continue to be parts of my present. I am searching for those life-long relationships and companions that understand me. I believe I do have those relationships obviously especially being in Phi Psi, but maybe its not there I need to be looking more.

I think it is time I grew up even more. I am becoming closer with friends and people from my "church," and I believe this is good. I need to ground myself. I need to make connections with those that will help stabilize me, that will understand my reason and drive for life and will support me in that manner. I definitely think my friends could be a part of that, but I do not think I can search for it there anymore. If it comes, it comes, if not then I will need to try and not get hopes up so high.

Anyway that is enough for one blog, and this is by no means saying I do not love and am not extremely grateful for my friends :-)