Negativity

I feel like I am surrounded by negativity. Everywhere I go there is just so much negativity around me. I am not necessarily the most optimistic person in the world, but I am by no means a pessimist. If something unfortunate happens, I may not be positive about it, but I will do everything in my power to turn it around.

It seems that so many of the people in my life are negative and pessimists. They look for the bad in everything and leave themselves in ruts that they are in. They wait for someone or something to bring them out of it. This is so different from me. I do not like people helping me out with anything if I have a problem. I mean do not get me wrong there are a certain few that I go to for advice, encouragement, motivation but even then its just so I can remind myself of what I need to do to be successful.

It has gotten to points though where I feel like it is holding me back. As far as friends go, it is a lost cause in some situations. I have spent hours and hours trying to do all that I can to change that negative mindset, but I guess it is just human nature to sit where we are comfortable...for some that is in their misery. People find comfort in their misery because they feel sorry for themselves. There is nothing more comfortable than feeling sorry for onself. I guess that is something they need to help themselves with. I think it is just weird for me since I have never not been able to help someone. Now I just see people around me becoming more and more negative. Maybe I am not doing my duty anymore, or maybe I am just losing my touch. It is quite possible that I am not as motivational or compassionate as I thought. Maybe I lost touch with the part of me that made me who I am.

I think it is hard though when I cannot say how I truly feel sometimes. Duty does that. Duty is the only thing that can keep my mouth shut. I am a pretty honest person that does not shy away from fighting for what I believe to be right. My honesty is often compromised though when duty comes into play when I feel like I cannot say how I really feel. It is detrimental in a situation where someone needs to hear the truth. Yes, I try to let them hear the truth because that is the most meaningful way of helping someone, but how can I do it when it drives them away. It is hard for the people in my life who when I try and expose the truth to them, they lose trust and faith in me. They believe that I am against them just the same. I think I maybe losing my touch, or I just need to refine what I currently do.

I had a very good weekend. I worked hard to make sure that Brady had the best 21st ever, and I think it went great. He's really an amazing guy, and I miss being down there with him. Especially seeing all these little ones flocking to him. I mean he deserves it, but I just remember the freshman whose name I put down on the Hall Council nomination sheet. Weird how quickly things change. Yesterday I was his RA and we would do everything together, but now he is an RA himself and hours away on a completely different path.

It was nice to be away this weekend, but I came back to reality which hit hard. I just feel like I do not have a lot of positive things to seek inspiration around me. Not saying I do not have amazing things or people around me, but I just feel back to square one of how I felt when I first came to IUPUI. That feeling of hopelessness and instability. All I need is my faith and myself I know, but it is hard to see something that I have built up for so long slip away. I really hope that I am not losing focus on what I believe my purpose is. I try to live it everyday, but it feels like something is not right. I am just missing something right now. I just cannot seem to put my finger on it though...