For those of you that know me well, you know that my head is always brimming of things I want. I am the epitome of a goal-oriented person I guess you might say. I always need a challenge or something to work at otherwise I get bored, annoyed, and aloof. This may seem like a strength, which it is, but I have seen another side of it lately especially when it comes to my relationships.
If you look at the closest people in my life, they are the ones that in ways push me away. They create this sort of enigma as our relationship grows. It does not mean that we are not close, but they are always on a different step than me. My personality dictates that I hate not having control. In fact I am fascist in some senses that people should bend to my way because it is the only right way. I will admit I often get into these moods, and it drives me crazy. That is why I have a love-hate relationship with challenges and the closest people in my life the people that fit into this challenging prototype. I cannot control them in the sense that they are challenging, and it is something that I must always work at. This sounds so demeaning but please remember most of my posts are theoretically-based so elements of humanism have to be taken out.
Now the other paradigm in my life is that I have people or things that I could have be much closer or I could take advantage of an opportunity, but I choose not to. I distance myself from these things. We might have a relationship, or I might work with one of those activities, but it is routine, mundane, hackneyed, and just another thing to pass the time sometimes. Wow that's cynical. There is some truth to it though in that the things that I cannot have, cannot control, cannot predict, cannot fully understand or interpret fascinate me and mean much more to me.
I have known this flaw of mine for awhile, but I have covered it up. It is very weird because I know myself so damn well I would shock people if I did an analysis of myself because I know my strengths, weaknesses, why I do things more than the average person. It stems from my wanting to control everything...even myself. I am a slave to my own designs, and I know what I need to do to break it. I cannot bring myself to do so though. It is ingrained in who I am in many ways, my wanting to have a challenge. I think I am a bit extreme with it and fascist even in that if I do not want something I will do all in my power to stop it. Maybe I need to temper it down more, then again am I not just entering myself in the same perpetual cycle of trying to control every aspect of my life?
Along with this aspect of myself, I hate feeling like I belong. I want to belong so badly in some aspects, but then I am hit with the problem of feeling comfortable where I am or with a relationship. This leads to boredom, aloofness, and detachment. I guess I like to float around and belong to many groups at my convenience though. Damn, I am such a Nazi...I am not ashamed to feel like this necessarily. I think I definitely hit the extremes of how I am/feeling, but I think this society is so caught up in looking at everything in a humanistic point of view. Often times, our minds do not work in that way, but we are too ashamed of voicing them in fear of coming off as callous or superior.
Well, that is all. Now for some sleep :-).
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I can definitely see this paradigm in many relationships, our friendship included. I think it's also personality type on the other person, not just a singular need for challenge but an attraction to a personality type that has positives and negatives. Not something to be ashamed of, just an inherent preference. As long as you accept the struggle, you can appreciate the upside - no rain, no rainbows.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of belonging, I think that there is quite a distinction from being included, belonging, being in a rut, etc. They are all varying degrees, but I can say that it doesn't necessarily facilitate the dismantlement of a network, simply the addition or redisocvery of others - an expansion per se.