I was in a slump for a while, but I am doing well recently. I am sure a big contributor to this is my 2 XL coffees a day. I am addicted. I loved Starbucks at home, but those were usually specialty drinks. I am drinking just regular coffee now…
It is weird, I have had some disappoints as of late, but I am feeling a sort of euphoria at times. Not necessarily overwhelming happiness type of euphoria, but a more satiating sense of wholeness. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself here. I think a big factor that is leading me to this type of sense of self is that I do not feel like I have to prove myself or my worth every single day or in every single interaction.
I was talking to one of my really good friends here about a situation with another friend. I was really upset about what one of my friends was thinking about doing. Instead of jumping on the situation and showing my emotions, they made me realize to not sweat it until it actually comes to pass. I do this a lot. I make situations about out of possibilities instead of realities. I rely on my emotions way too much, and this leads to my very rash judgment. My emotions are often right since I am a very meticulous observer and good at reading people, but due to the extreme levels of my emotions I often exacerbate the situation.
That is probably the biggest change I have seen in myself. I am a lot more calm, a lot more collected. I am coming into my shell and am OK with that. That drama that surrounded me in previous incarnations of my life is no longer pervasive in this one. Drama here or there is still fun, but I think I have stepped back a lot. The drama that I was involved in before was due to my meddling. I always had good intentions in my mind, but I always went too far and over-stepped my boundaries. I am learning to be there for people more in word and less in actions. I know that sounds like opposite of what everyone says one should do. But I think I was a little too heavy in the latter. I need to let people fend for themselves and come to conclusions on their own and just let them know that I am there for them if they need it.
All this being said, I miss home, and I miss my friends from home. I am ready to go home for a break. I struggled with my friends from home for a long time, but I finally know exactly who my true friends are, and I am comfortable and happy with that. I know many of them think I have moved on from them, but they really do not realize how much strength they have given me. It is the lessons that I have learned from them that I am using to forge these new relationships. I love my friends here, and it is because of my friends from home. I am generally a very shy person, but it did not take me long to ingratiate myself with people here.
I am slowly becoming more comfortable with changing relationships. Sarah and Esther have been two of my best friends for 7 years now, and even though the times that we talk are lessened, they mean the world to me, and I know the way they think of me has not changed either. I am learning to have the same relationship with my IUPUI friends as well. Learning that though the relationship changes, and we all have new lives, the bond that we created is in fact the same, and is in fact growing stronger.
I am really hyper right now, and not paying attention to Kacker’s lecture, except the stench coming from her pits (I have to keep smelling my coffee to muffle out the smell). For some reason though, I do not think this is all just a Coffee high, but it is something more .
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Culture Shock
I miss civilization!!!
OMG, it is a lot right now. I mean do not get me wrong, I am enjoying myself here, but what I would give for thai food, or a steak, or ice cream, etc etc...
Some of my friends told me right before I left that I shouldn't drop out, and that they didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. People really under-estimate me, my drive, and my inner strength. Not only am I managing here, but I am thriving.
I got my first B on an exam, ugh...stupid EBM (Evidence Based Medicine)...I have A's in all my other classes, so I guess it is OK. This class is such a joke though, it's almost insulting not to have a 100. The test was impossible though, oh well.
It is so weird being in a totally new element here. People are still feeling each other out. I was having a really bad few weeks, and they kept pestering me what was wrong. Anyone from home knows that when I hit my breaking point I can snap and try to ruin someone's life just by acting on sheer emotion. I try to compose and hold it in though more. It is weird, people here think I am so shy, composed, do not swear, etc. My friends from home would say some very different things lol...I do not think I am being a different person...just really being in tune with a totally different side of me...one that I felt was repressed for a while.
One of the things that I think always kept me at odds with Phi Psi was that it really repressed this side of me. It repressed the introverted, intellectual person that I am. I think just the way the dynamics were, I did not feel like I could be that side of me, and if it ever came it I was just called out for being emotional or thinking too much, etc. I think it has been good getting to know this side of my again though.
I tried reaching out to a few people when I was down. Did not get the response I was hoping, but I have to be strong for myself. I am the only person that has ever been there for me in a large capacity aside from my Mom, and I should really just fall back on myself more.
I miss the cold weather! It is so hot down here, and I have the most wicked sandal tan. I know everyone will be jealous of it when I come home lol.
I am proud of all that I have overcome since being here. Little connection to people from home and having to make my own way. Power-outages are a regular occurrence with internet going out almost daily. No car and difficulties getting anywhere. BUGS, BUGS, BUGS...of all shapes, sizes, and bites, food issues, and much more. If people think I am weak, then they really do not know me, because I do not think 90% of the people I know could be able to handle this. I really do like it here though despite its cons. I think it was a very good decision.
Until next time peeps
OMG, it is a lot right now. I mean do not get me wrong, I am enjoying myself here, but what I would give for thai food, or a steak, or ice cream, etc etc...
Some of my friends told me right before I left that I shouldn't drop out, and that they didn't think I was going to be able to handle it. People really under-estimate me, my drive, and my inner strength. Not only am I managing here, but I am thriving.
I got my first B on an exam, ugh...stupid EBM (Evidence Based Medicine)...I have A's in all my other classes, so I guess it is OK. This class is such a joke though, it's almost insulting not to have a 100. The test was impossible though, oh well.
It is so weird being in a totally new element here. People are still feeling each other out. I was having a really bad few weeks, and they kept pestering me what was wrong. Anyone from home knows that when I hit my breaking point I can snap and try to ruin someone's life just by acting on sheer emotion. I try to compose and hold it in though more. It is weird, people here think I am so shy, composed, do not swear, etc. My friends from home would say some very different things lol...I do not think I am being a different person...just really being in tune with a totally different side of me...one that I felt was repressed for a while.
One of the things that I think always kept me at odds with Phi Psi was that it really repressed this side of me. It repressed the introverted, intellectual person that I am. I think just the way the dynamics were, I did not feel like I could be that side of me, and if it ever came it I was just called out for being emotional or thinking too much, etc. I think it has been good getting to know this side of my again though.
I tried reaching out to a few people when I was down. Did not get the response I was hoping, but I have to be strong for myself. I am the only person that has ever been there for me in a large capacity aside from my Mom, and I should really just fall back on myself more.
I miss the cold weather! It is so hot down here, and I have the most wicked sandal tan. I know everyone will be jealous of it when I come home lol.
I am proud of all that I have overcome since being here. Little connection to people from home and having to make my own way. Power-outages are a regular occurrence with internet going out almost daily. No car and difficulties getting anywhere. BUGS, BUGS, BUGS...of all shapes, sizes, and bites, food issues, and much more. If people think I am weak, then they really do not know me, because I do not think 90% of the people I know could be able to handle this. I really do like it here though despite its cons. I think it was a very good decision.
Until next time peeps
Friday, October 15, 2010
New Directions
It has been a while since my last blog post. Part of it was definitely because of time. The other part of it was that I needed some time away. These past few months I needed some time away from things that were no longer positive in my life.
I have since began my new island adventure, and it has been quite the experience. When I first arrived on the island, it was just thing after thing that was going wrong. I was totally alone. Left behind any semblance of my old life and was just walking blindly forward. Everything seemed so right though. I met some great friends right away who took me in and really made me feel like I was part of a family. We explored the island, went to the beach daily, and had a really positive initial experience of the island.
School came swiftly and things took a little dip downward. I had formed a close friendship with my neighbor Dauren, but it seemed like all my other friends were moving in a different direction. Freshmen year of undergrad was happening all over again. I began to revert back to a closed shell and neglect all progress that I had made over the past 5 years. I remembered what someone told before I left, though and knew that I had to make this my experience. I had to take charge. I kept putting myself out there and exposing my vulnerabilities. This was honestly one of the hardest things I have done in quite a while.
Fast-forwarding a few weeks, I am one of the top students in the class. Not to be prideful, but it feels nice to have this again. College was difficult not being on top academically, and honestly, I should have been. I got so distracted because of other people, that I neglected myself. It is my own fault, but I really regret putting so much time in involvement or going out of my way for people. I really gained a lot from these things and learned a great deal about myself, but I neglected my own path and my own purpose.
It is weird, but I think a lot of people look up to me here. They are not quite sure how I am able to manage my time so well and still do so well in my classes. It feels really nice to have this. Not as an ego boost, but I have always struggled with finding my place with people. Struggled with trying to figure out whether I mean something or whether or not I am respected. A major flaw of mine, but it nevertheless gives me a great sense of security that really lets me relax and be myself. That is what is so hard about starting a new for me. Starting a new is not just starting a new experience, but I revert back to an “embryonic” state of mind.
For the first time in my life, I have friends that are looking out for me and looking after me. Usually I was that strong person or that person that really was a support for my friends. I am still there in that capacity, but much of the responsibility is being shared now. I feel like I have entered many relationships where they are mutual. I feel appreciated for once. I feel like I matter for once. Back at home even some of my close friends would not defend me openly when times were rough, but here I have a strong support system and a strong safety net to fall back on.
I have let go of a lot of negative people in my life. People that sought only their selfish needs to be fulfilled with our friendship. Even if they are not completely gone from my life, any type of control or effect that they had is strongly diminished if not gone completely.
Some other friends from home, I feel have taken a step away as well. I think moving on, growing up. I will continue to do my part of the friendship, but ultimately only time will tell what will happen. Maybe it was meant to be. For the most part, I haven’t had time to even let these things bother me. I feel like I have aged a year or two since being here. I am a lot more calm and composed.
Where do I go from here? I hope to continue to strengthen my relationships here. I hope to continue to work on some relationships from home and not use this experience to cut them off. They mean so much to me, more than I think they know, but given my situation, I cannot keep putting forth 90% of the effort all the time. I have been thinking a lot about the past lately. My childhood and different memories. For some reason, all day, they just keep replaying themselves in my head. I have blocked out much of my childhood for years. Not wanting to go back to it even in recollections. Whenever the memories or thoughts do come, I try and squash them. Maybe it is time I look at some of the skeletons of the past. We all have these things, and I think that maybe when starting a new beginning, it is important to re-stabilize the past since no matter how new the beginning, it is ultimately building off what was once there.
I have since began my new island adventure, and it has been quite the experience. When I first arrived on the island, it was just thing after thing that was going wrong. I was totally alone. Left behind any semblance of my old life and was just walking blindly forward. Everything seemed so right though. I met some great friends right away who took me in and really made me feel like I was part of a family. We explored the island, went to the beach daily, and had a really positive initial experience of the island.
School came swiftly and things took a little dip downward. I had formed a close friendship with my neighbor Dauren, but it seemed like all my other friends were moving in a different direction. Freshmen year of undergrad was happening all over again. I began to revert back to a closed shell and neglect all progress that I had made over the past 5 years. I remembered what someone told before I left, though and knew that I had to make this my experience. I had to take charge. I kept putting myself out there and exposing my vulnerabilities. This was honestly one of the hardest things I have done in quite a while.
Fast-forwarding a few weeks, I am one of the top students in the class. Not to be prideful, but it feels nice to have this again. College was difficult not being on top academically, and honestly, I should have been. I got so distracted because of other people, that I neglected myself. It is my own fault, but I really regret putting so much time in involvement or going out of my way for people. I really gained a lot from these things and learned a great deal about myself, but I neglected my own path and my own purpose.
It is weird, but I think a lot of people look up to me here. They are not quite sure how I am able to manage my time so well and still do so well in my classes. It feels really nice to have this. Not as an ego boost, but I have always struggled with finding my place with people. Struggled with trying to figure out whether I mean something or whether or not I am respected. A major flaw of mine, but it nevertheless gives me a great sense of security that really lets me relax and be myself. That is what is so hard about starting a new for me. Starting a new is not just starting a new experience, but I revert back to an “embryonic” state of mind.
For the first time in my life, I have friends that are looking out for me and looking after me. Usually I was that strong person or that person that really was a support for my friends. I am still there in that capacity, but much of the responsibility is being shared now. I feel like I have entered many relationships where they are mutual. I feel appreciated for once. I feel like I matter for once. Back at home even some of my close friends would not defend me openly when times were rough, but here I have a strong support system and a strong safety net to fall back on.
I have let go of a lot of negative people in my life. People that sought only their selfish needs to be fulfilled with our friendship. Even if they are not completely gone from my life, any type of control or effect that they had is strongly diminished if not gone completely.
Some other friends from home, I feel have taken a step away as well. I think moving on, growing up. I will continue to do my part of the friendship, but ultimately only time will tell what will happen. Maybe it was meant to be. For the most part, I haven’t had time to even let these things bother me. I feel like I have aged a year or two since being here. I am a lot more calm and composed.
Where do I go from here? I hope to continue to strengthen my relationships here. I hope to continue to work on some relationships from home and not use this experience to cut them off. They mean so much to me, more than I think they know, but given my situation, I cannot keep putting forth 90% of the effort all the time. I have been thinking a lot about the past lately. My childhood and different memories. For some reason, all day, they just keep replaying themselves in my head. I have blocked out much of my childhood for years. Not wanting to go back to it even in recollections. Whenever the memories or thoughts do come, I try and squash them. Maybe it is time I look at some of the skeletons of the past. We all have these things, and I think that maybe when starting a new beginning, it is important to re-stabilize the past since no matter how new the beginning, it is ultimately building off what was once there.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Art of Giving...and random musings
I consider myself a fairly generous person. I love to give, and in my philosophy I have always believed that having something that can be spared and not giving it to another who is in need is wrong. Even if I hoard these fleeting objects like money, gifts, or time, what good will any of this do in the long run. I'd rather have the gratification of giving and help others than be selfish. I do not like being repaid for things though. When I do something nice, it comes from the heart, and I do not want to taint it with money or obligating someone. When I die, I want to go without obligations left on my name. Maybe this is another way I isolate people from myself. Some people feel like I obligate them with some things I do, but then I do not let them "repay me."
I have a hard time letting people give to me. Mostly because of my high expectations. From these maybe lofty markers, I am often disappointed with people. I struggle opening up to people and it drives me insane when I open up to someone and they don't treat that information with respect. When someone opens up to me, I show care and compassion and try to be there for them in any way possible. I hate that most of the people in my life do not hold me in the same regard as I hold them. I guess that is why I am so excited about the Caribbean because I am going to try and reinvent some things. I am not going to be as trusting as I am now or give as many chances that I do. I want toe more independent. There are a few people that can really control my emotions, and I really shouldn't let that happen. It's not fair to me, and I should be the master of my emotions. Sounds like I'm going to be a recluse...but maybe I will just be more cautious and form relationships off of my personality and my ambition not my emotion. It might do me well to form relationships with reason and rational rather than my own self-destructive emotions.
I have a hard time letting people give to me. Mostly because of my high expectations. From these maybe lofty markers, I am often disappointed with people. I struggle opening up to people and it drives me insane when I open up to someone and they don't treat that information with respect. When someone opens up to me, I show care and compassion and try to be there for them in any way possible. I hate that most of the people in my life do not hold me in the same regard as I hold them. I guess that is why I am so excited about the Caribbean because I am going to try and reinvent some things. I am not going to be as trusting as I am now or give as many chances that I do. I want toe more independent. There are a few people that can really control my emotions, and I really shouldn't let that happen. It's not fair to me, and I should be the master of my emotions. Sounds like I'm going to be a recluse...but maybe I will just be more cautious and form relationships off of my personality and my ambition not my emotion. It might do me well to form relationships with reason and rational rather than my own self-destructive emotions.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Into the rabbit's hole
I am sitting here waiting for my Mom to come out of the store, and I thought I would take this opportunity to write a blog. Been kind of a down day being Father's Day and all. Kind of down, but it will pass I guess.
I have been noticing a change in myself lately. I used to be very giving and jump on things to help people and ease their difficulties. Lately, however, I have been very apathetic toward the whole matter. If someone needs something, I am still there, but I quit offering. Why put myself in a position anymore. I really don't want to be that person anymore I don't think. I don't want to be known for being a good listener or a good friend, I want to be known for being Areef.
I have very much dug myself a little hole, and I don't have plans of coming out. Not being anti-social or depressed, just not making an effort so to speak. There are some things in my life that I wish were different, and that's why I am anxious to go in August. Being separated from those things may be for the best.
Trying to figure out things to do to pay for medical school. I got denied my loan so trying to figure out what to do now.
I was hanging out with home friends for a while but that has somewhat subsided. I am looking forward to this weekend though. Should be sufficiently awkward. Should be fun...well my Mom is back, and I am going back into my little hole. Till the next time I venture out then.
I have been noticing a change in myself lately. I used to be very giving and jump on things to help people and ease their difficulties. Lately, however, I have been very apathetic toward the whole matter. If someone needs something, I am still there, but I quit offering. Why put myself in a position anymore. I really don't want to be that person anymore I don't think. I don't want to be known for being a good listener or a good friend, I want to be known for being Areef.
I have very much dug myself a little hole, and I don't have plans of coming out. Not being anti-social or depressed, just not making an effort so to speak. There are some things in my life that I wish were different, and that's why I am anxious to go in August. Being separated from those things may be for the best.
Trying to figure out things to do to pay for medical school. I got denied my loan so trying to figure out what to do now.
I was hanging out with home friends for a while but that has somewhat subsided. I am looking forward to this weekend though. Should be sufficiently awkward. Should be fun...well my Mom is back, and I am going back into my little hole. Till the next time I venture out then.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Something New
So I know I tend to stay away from re-cap posts, but this shall be a mix of that as well as thoughts.
I recently got into medical school in the Caribbean, and I am very excited. I will be leaving in August and will be gone for two years pretty much the entire time since they run on continuous trimesters. Its going to be very different, but I think this will also be an opportunity to experience the change I have been waiting for. Finally cutting off some of that umbilical cord that I feel has really been holding me down this year. I have not been happy nor doing well at all this year, and it was very tough getting through it. I somehow managed to get all A's this semester, though toward the end I had run out of all steam and emotion. I was just done and checked out.
I have been getting a lot of criticism about going to medical school in the Caribbean. Yet again, the people whose opinions can affect me the most I feel like they do not support me. Frankly, I don't give a damn. "Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe topful of direst cruelty." I am going to have the courage and motivation to move beyond this negativity. I am doing this for me, and it was no sense continuing what I was doing because it was just making me more and more depressed. Hopefully this transition will help things out a lot.
I just want people to be proud of me I think, or believe in me. I feel like all the close people in my life usually end up picking up on my weaknesses and dangling them in front of me rather than support me or see the raw emotion behind which I do things. That is a test, and I know that I can overcome it, but its still not fair that I never treat them at way. Life is not fair though, and I need to find my own internal flame that can be kept and maintained with my own initiative.
I am still very sad to leave me Mom, and I am very worried about her and what will happen. The plan is for me to finish my basic science courses in the Caribbean, and when I do my clinical rotations I will pick Chicago. This way I can live at home, take care of my Mom and at that point my brother will have finished his Master's and can go where he wants for Law School. I hope this works out because this is how I feel like I can still follow my dreams and do my duty as well.
I just got back from Vancouver, and it was amazing. I had such a great time with family, and I cannot wait to see them all again. It was nice seeing my Mom's side of the family for once. They are really awesome, and it sucks that most of them are so far away. Vancouver is such a great place as well, and I wish I could live there. Too bad the situation there is not ideal for doctors who specialize otherwise I would move there in a heartbeat.
I have so much to do and get in order before I leave. When I left IUPUI, it was not really a change. I felt like I was stuck in limbo, but this really will be a change. I worry about what I may lose from this change and whom I might lose from this change, but I think in the end it will be very worth it, and those that really care about me will remain just the same in my life.
It seems to be shaping up to be a good summer. It seems like most of my IUPUI friends are here or there doing their thing, and I am going to miss them a lot this summer. I am really excited that it seems like I am going to be spending a lot of time with old friends though. I think it will be nice to reconnect even more and just pick up where we left off.
I am changing as a person. I am becoming a lot more introverted, and also I am slowly becoming more and more de-sensitized to things. My raw emotions are coming out more and more, and I am not restraining them. Maybe this is not a good thing, but I am not going to sit there and live by someone else's rules. Other people have been judging or chastising me lately, but they are a bunch of hypocrites since they do it as well. Just because I am more open with it, so be it. I am shooting for the stars and going to show everyone my potential. Here goes nothing.
I recently got into medical school in the Caribbean, and I am very excited. I will be leaving in August and will be gone for two years pretty much the entire time since they run on continuous trimesters. Its going to be very different, but I think this will also be an opportunity to experience the change I have been waiting for. Finally cutting off some of that umbilical cord that I feel has really been holding me down this year. I have not been happy nor doing well at all this year, and it was very tough getting through it. I somehow managed to get all A's this semester, though toward the end I had run out of all steam and emotion. I was just done and checked out.
I have been getting a lot of criticism about going to medical school in the Caribbean. Yet again, the people whose opinions can affect me the most I feel like they do not support me. Frankly, I don't give a damn. "Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe topful of direst cruelty." I am going to have the courage and motivation to move beyond this negativity. I am doing this for me, and it was no sense continuing what I was doing because it was just making me more and more depressed. Hopefully this transition will help things out a lot.
I just want people to be proud of me I think, or believe in me. I feel like all the close people in my life usually end up picking up on my weaknesses and dangling them in front of me rather than support me or see the raw emotion behind which I do things. That is a test, and I know that I can overcome it, but its still not fair that I never treat them at way. Life is not fair though, and I need to find my own internal flame that can be kept and maintained with my own initiative.
I am still very sad to leave me Mom, and I am very worried about her and what will happen. The plan is for me to finish my basic science courses in the Caribbean, and when I do my clinical rotations I will pick Chicago. This way I can live at home, take care of my Mom and at that point my brother will have finished his Master's and can go where he wants for Law School. I hope this works out because this is how I feel like I can still follow my dreams and do my duty as well.
I just got back from Vancouver, and it was amazing. I had such a great time with family, and I cannot wait to see them all again. It was nice seeing my Mom's side of the family for once. They are really awesome, and it sucks that most of them are so far away. Vancouver is such a great place as well, and I wish I could live there. Too bad the situation there is not ideal for doctors who specialize otherwise I would move there in a heartbeat.
I have so much to do and get in order before I leave. When I left IUPUI, it was not really a change. I felt like I was stuck in limbo, but this really will be a change. I worry about what I may lose from this change and whom I might lose from this change, but I think in the end it will be very worth it, and those that really care about me will remain just the same in my life.
It seems to be shaping up to be a good summer. It seems like most of my IUPUI friends are here or there doing their thing, and I am going to miss them a lot this summer. I am really excited that it seems like I am going to be spending a lot of time with old friends though. I think it will be nice to reconnect even more and just pick up where we left off.
I am changing as a person. I am becoming a lot more introverted, and also I am slowly becoming more and more de-sensitized to things. My raw emotions are coming out more and more, and I am not restraining them. Maybe this is not a good thing, but I am not going to sit there and live by someone else's rules. Other people have been judging or chastising me lately, but they are a bunch of hypocrites since they do it as well. Just because I am more open with it, so be it. I am shooting for the stars and going to show everyone my potential. Here goes nothing.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Parasitism
The Cuckoo bird mother when it is ready to lay her eggs, strategically places them in a nest of a warbler bird. The cuckoo hatches before the other eggs, and quickly massacres them all. The warbler bird parents are then forced to take care of "their" new born as it drives them to near exhaustion and death.
In our lives, we have people that will pose as someone they are not. Acting like one of your own, they will suck out of you all that they need and even take from you things that you hold dear. They drain you of your energy, and once you have nothing left to offer, they will leave you.
I have some really awesome people in my life. Ones that I know will go many extra miles for me. Then, there are others that I took to be my own, but they sat there in disguise as cuckoos. In the guise of one of my own, they take from me what they need. I am the first person they go to if they need something. I have a problem saying no even if I know they are just looking for their own personal gain. Is it not right to help someone if one can? Regardless of the other person's intentions?
I have noticed these cuckoos in my life, whether they consciously or subconsciously do it, but they will act as a totally different person when they are not in need of something. Aloof, distant, cold. The bond is shattered, and it is almost as if there is nothing there. Sure enough when the time comes, it is magically rekindled. A brother of mine whom I was speaking to today said something very profound, I feel like I have a hundred friends when everything is going well, but when its not, I am alone. Is this life, or is this society?
I am always the first person to throw the blame on myself and say that maybe I am just misjudging or taking things too far. I think that I do this to such an extent that I set myself up for further frustration. There are cuckoos in everyone's lives, and there are cuckoos in my life. I think I should shove them out of my nest and stop this parasitism. In the end, not only will it drain me, but they will take away the things that mean most to me, as they too turn their backs and fly away.
In our lives, we have people that will pose as someone they are not. Acting like one of your own, they will suck out of you all that they need and even take from you things that you hold dear. They drain you of your energy, and once you have nothing left to offer, they will leave you.
I have some really awesome people in my life. Ones that I know will go many extra miles for me. Then, there are others that I took to be my own, but they sat there in disguise as cuckoos. In the guise of one of my own, they take from me what they need. I am the first person they go to if they need something. I have a problem saying no even if I know they are just looking for their own personal gain. Is it not right to help someone if one can? Regardless of the other person's intentions?
I have noticed these cuckoos in my life, whether they consciously or subconsciously do it, but they will act as a totally different person when they are not in need of something. Aloof, distant, cold. The bond is shattered, and it is almost as if there is nothing there. Sure enough when the time comes, it is magically rekindled. A brother of mine whom I was speaking to today said something very profound, I feel like I have a hundred friends when everything is going well, but when its not, I am alone. Is this life, or is this society?
I am always the first person to throw the blame on myself and say that maybe I am just misjudging or taking things too far. I think that I do this to such an extent that I set myself up for further frustration. There are cuckoos in everyone's lives, and there are cuckoos in my life. I think I should shove them out of my nest and stop this parasitism. In the end, not only will it drain me, but they will take away the things that mean most to me, as they too turn their backs and fly away.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Random Thoughts XVIII
1. I do not mind two liters if I am the only person drinking from it. Other people are too daft to be able to properly use a two liter. What the hell are they thinking when they put the cap back on. They just loosely place it on there enough to cover the hole. Do they not realize that the gas is still escaping! You have to place it on and twist vigorously!
2. I am constantly confused as a Mexican. I have gotten Mexican, Spanish, Italian, Greek, Turkish, Arab, Egyptian, Pakistani, Moroccan, Indian, Indonesian, and even Hawaiian before. Mexican is usually the predominant one. We usually go to this fruit stand in Chicago since the Mexican people have the best fruit. Everytime we go everyone just speaks Spanish to us. Instead of humoring them since I could speak it back, I just walk away. They have no right to assume!
3. What are the stipulations of calling back after a voicemail. I understand about calling back if they really need something, but often times everything that needed to be said was in the voicemail. Why do I need to call back then? Everything that we were going to talk about was said, so what am I supposed to do, call back and just have an conversation inundated with awkward pauses? I think not.
4. I cannot stand cars in about 50-60 degree weather when the sun is out. It is too chilly when driving to have the window down most times and still too chilly to have the AC on. It is too warm, however, to have the heat on. Instead the car somehow ends up baking with that 50-60 degree weather with that blasted sun, and I suffer.
5. People need to learn the proper methods of pulling in with cars. I cannot stand when a car pulls in and goes to far! Selfish bastards...getting my hopes up thinking I got a spot until I realize they royally messed that one up. Fail.
6. We went to this Indian restaurant the other day. Like usual, my people just struggle. We were meeting a friend there, so we said three people. The person had not arrived yet, but the man just took us to a table where there was another person. That person was in the restroom, but you can imagine how awkward it was when he came out and was like WTF. He was white too, so he was probably even more confused as to why some desis were sitting at his table.
7. What the hell is up with these drug commercials! I cannot stand them. They advertise, for example, for a nausea medicine for pregnant woman. They talk about the benefits, then drone on with a long list of side effects. "Side effects of this drug have been known to lead to severe cramps, diarhea, hypertension, cancer, and in some cases may cause miscarriages. WTF! Not only is it possible to make your stomach feel worse, but you may get cancer AND lose your baby. What moron is actually taking this medicine...
2. I am constantly confused as a Mexican. I have gotten Mexican, Spanish, Italian, Greek, Turkish, Arab, Egyptian, Pakistani, Moroccan, Indian, Indonesian, and even Hawaiian before. Mexican is usually the predominant one. We usually go to this fruit stand in Chicago since the Mexican people have the best fruit. Everytime we go everyone just speaks Spanish to us. Instead of humoring them since I could speak it back, I just walk away. They have no right to assume!
3. What are the stipulations of calling back after a voicemail. I understand about calling back if they really need something, but often times everything that needed to be said was in the voicemail. Why do I need to call back then? Everything that we were going to talk about was said, so what am I supposed to do, call back and just have an conversation inundated with awkward pauses? I think not.
4. I cannot stand cars in about 50-60 degree weather when the sun is out. It is too chilly when driving to have the window down most times and still too chilly to have the AC on. It is too warm, however, to have the heat on. Instead the car somehow ends up baking with that 50-60 degree weather with that blasted sun, and I suffer.
5. People need to learn the proper methods of pulling in with cars. I cannot stand when a car pulls in and goes to far! Selfish bastards...getting my hopes up thinking I got a spot until I realize they royally messed that one up. Fail.
6. We went to this Indian restaurant the other day. Like usual, my people just struggle. We were meeting a friend there, so we said three people. The person had not arrived yet, but the man just took us to a table where there was another person. That person was in the restroom, but you can imagine how awkward it was when he came out and was like WTF. He was white too, so he was probably even more confused as to why some desis were sitting at his table.
7. What the hell is up with these drug commercials! I cannot stand them. They advertise, for example, for a nausea medicine for pregnant woman. They talk about the benefits, then drone on with a long list of side effects. "Side effects of this drug have been known to lead to severe cramps, diarhea, hypertension, cancer, and in some cases may cause miscarriages. WTF! Not only is it possible to make your stomach feel worse, but you may get cancer AND lose your baby. What moron is actually taking this medicine...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Random Thoughts XVII
1. What's up with Michael J. Fox? I remember like 12 years ago he came out and said he was dying. Now I am all for him living and being healthy, but I am pretty sure he used his impending death as the reason he was quitting show business. Then he starting coming out with a few movies and promotions and such. Plus I just recently saw him at the Canadian Olympics...so did I miss something here, because I am pretty sure you can't say that you are quitting because you are going to die really soon and then just keep going after 12 years without mentioning it really again.
2. I am so pissed that national emblems are chosen by Congress. Like the country's animal, flower, tree etc. First of all, can Congress do something useful with their time. No wonder we never get anything passed. Second of all, I feel like the American people need to be deciding these things. What the hell do some old geezers know about these things. This is ridiculous.
3. I have this girl in my Statistics class that does not bring a water bottle to class. She brings a fricking GALLON OF WATER...AND she sits there and drinks out of it like trash. I am sorry, but there are limits to abusing etiquette in public, and this is not one that can be up for an exemption.
4. I was in Wal-Mart the other day, and of course every trip to Wal-Mart results in a spectacle of seeing how ridiculously trashy and stupid people can be. This little kid was carrying around a box of some kids toothpaste. The Mom kept yelling at him to put it back. He didn't...so what did she do? She kicked him, and after he fell she continued to kick him. No of course she was not full on roundhousing the little boy, but who the fuck kicks their child?! Not to mention in public, and then proceeds to continue to kick him even after he falls!
5. I was on my daily walk the other day, and I noticed a very near chirping. Much to my surprise, I found birds living in a tire of a old car! It did not look like it had been moved much, but they had a nest and eggs and everything. Those little buggers think they are so clever, but I just felt bad when that person moves his car the next time. Two days later, the car was not there anymore...the world may never know what happened to those daring little devils.
6. Two weeks ago, I was at an Indian restaurant, and I went to use the restroom. Indians are always doing weird things that fellow Indians do not even understand. I go into the bathroom to pee, and there is fucking ice in the urinal! I have never seen this before, and I am still just flabbergasted. Apparently my people think the urinals are just another drain to put things in. Oh gosh...
7. I hate when something costs like $4.06, and all you have are four ones and a 20. You are so close to saving that twenty, yet you know the cashier will never let you get by. Even so, you give the cashier that pleading look for a moment, only to finally give up and hand over your precious 20. Sad day.
2. I am so pissed that national emblems are chosen by Congress. Like the country's animal, flower, tree etc. First of all, can Congress do something useful with their time. No wonder we never get anything passed. Second of all, I feel like the American people need to be deciding these things. What the hell do some old geezers know about these things. This is ridiculous.
3. I have this girl in my Statistics class that does not bring a water bottle to class. She brings a fricking GALLON OF WATER...AND she sits there and drinks out of it like trash. I am sorry, but there are limits to abusing etiquette in public, and this is not one that can be up for an exemption.
4. I was in Wal-Mart the other day, and of course every trip to Wal-Mart results in a spectacle of seeing how ridiculously trashy and stupid people can be. This little kid was carrying around a box of some kids toothpaste. The Mom kept yelling at him to put it back. He didn't...so what did she do? She kicked him, and after he fell she continued to kick him. No of course she was not full on roundhousing the little boy, but who the fuck kicks their child?! Not to mention in public, and then proceeds to continue to kick him even after he falls!
5. I was on my daily walk the other day, and I noticed a very near chirping. Much to my surprise, I found birds living in a tire of a old car! It did not look like it had been moved much, but they had a nest and eggs and everything. Those little buggers think they are so clever, but I just felt bad when that person moves his car the next time. Two days later, the car was not there anymore...the world may never know what happened to those daring little devils.
6. Two weeks ago, I was at an Indian restaurant, and I went to use the restroom. Indians are always doing weird things that fellow Indians do not even understand. I go into the bathroom to pee, and there is fucking ice in the urinal! I have never seen this before, and I am still just flabbergasted. Apparently my people think the urinals are just another drain to put things in. Oh gosh...
7. I hate when something costs like $4.06, and all you have are four ones and a 20. You are so close to saving that twenty, yet you know the cashier will never let you get by. Even so, you give the cashier that pleading look for a moment, only to finally give up and hand over your precious 20. Sad day.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Breaking Apart
I have come to a crossroads, and I think it is finally time for a change. I have been stagnant for too long, so much so that I have lost myself. A grim facade is all that remains of who I once was, or at least who I was seeking to find. I have arrested my development in a state of glum attachment. I connect myself to things and people and use it as my energy and support basin. Consciously and subconsciously I continually blind myself to the reality of things. All to continue this facade as well as placate my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose.
Over the course of the past few weeks, I am beginning a new transformation. I am trying to break apart from the mold that I was embossed in. I am not always right, but I need to stop putting myself down. Whether or not I get taken advantage of, or used, or taken for granted, some of the blame is on me. I cannot let this keep occurring anymore because it is leaving me hollow. Maybe this play will continue on for a few acts, but ultimately even those attachments will leave and break me. I am an ancient house on the hill as its walls creak and echo with the sounds of imminent doom. Doom that is that will occur if I stay there.
I deserve much more, and it is time I take the handle in that aspect. It is time to find a new house, a new landscape, before only ill feelings fill in my past. A wise friend of mine told me why can I not have both? Go for my dreams and fulfill my duty as well. I have only been doing the latter and hoping that my relationships will give support to the former. Ultimately, I was failed, but in the end, all I need is myself. I am too generous and giving of the heart, and this in turn ends up burning my very badly. This will need to be the first thing to change. I do not wish to give up my caring side, but in order to begin a transition, it is important to distance myself, and in distancing oneself, I cannot get caught up in the minutia of my own self-placed importance of maintaining negative or dead relationships or things in my life.
Over the course of the past few weeks, I am beginning a new transformation. I am trying to break apart from the mold that I was embossed in. I am not always right, but I need to stop putting myself down. Whether or not I get taken advantage of, or used, or taken for granted, some of the blame is on me. I cannot let this keep occurring anymore because it is leaving me hollow. Maybe this play will continue on for a few acts, but ultimately even those attachments will leave and break me. I am an ancient house on the hill as its walls creak and echo with the sounds of imminent doom. Doom that is that will occur if I stay there.
I deserve much more, and it is time I take the handle in that aspect. It is time to find a new house, a new landscape, before only ill feelings fill in my past. A wise friend of mine told me why can I not have both? Go for my dreams and fulfill my duty as well. I have only been doing the latter and hoping that my relationships will give support to the former. Ultimately, I was failed, but in the end, all I need is myself. I am too generous and giving of the heart, and this in turn ends up burning my very badly. This will need to be the first thing to change. I do not wish to give up my caring side, but in order to begin a transition, it is important to distance myself, and in distancing oneself, I cannot get caught up in the minutia of my own self-placed importance of maintaining negative or dead relationships or things in my life.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
You Are Not Special
My Senior Year English class was one of the greatest classes I have ever taken. Not only the content and presentation of the course was very stimulating and thought-provoking, but the teacher also was the same. Everyday he would go on about something, and everyday he would say that none of us are special. If we want to succeed we have to stop thinking that we are special.
As time goes by, I have become conflicted about this topic. While I still agree in essence to the validity of it, I question the success part. I understand that we cannot believe that we are the exception or believe that things should come to us. What I disagree with is the act of feeling special. The act of feeling proud of who we are, what we do, and everything around us. We all crave this feeling, we all crave acceptance.
Is it so wrong to want to feel accepted? I understand that acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, pride must come from within, but when the world is so cold how can we find the warmth within? It is not impossible, but every single time I see to kindle something within, it is blown out by the environment around me. I guess I am no where near as tenacious nor resilient as I once thought. I feel like I am continually being brought down. I crave something that is never given, yet I expect it again and again in my mind.
That brings me further on into my point that I almost set myself up for failure each time. In my search for these things, I come to hope and expect it at every turn from every person. Each time I pin my new hopes, a new wave of energy, all in hopes of some satisfaction. Nearly every time though it fails, I fail. Maybe I am expecting too much, or maybe I am just looking for things where they do not exist. Maybe I am forcing things to happen or occur or forcing feelings and bonds that maybe are only there because of the coercion.
I think we all need to feel special, we all need to feel loved, we all need to kindle that fire inside of us. While I do not think that any of us is unique, I think it is important to find those things that do make us feel special and loved, and surround ourselves with people that think the same and show it. I used to think I was a good leader, a good listener, a good resource, a good advocate, a good friend. As time goes by, however, I see those things losing strength. I think its because I am trying to force things where they do not exist as well as living in a place where the circumstances have changed. It is time to go through the fire and be born anew.
As time goes by, I have become conflicted about this topic. While I still agree in essence to the validity of it, I question the success part. I understand that we cannot believe that we are the exception or believe that things should come to us. What I disagree with is the act of feeling special. The act of feeling proud of who we are, what we do, and everything around us. We all crave this feeling, we all crave acceptance.
Is it so wrong to want to feel accepted? I understand that acceptance, self-love, self-esteem, pride must come from within, but when the world is so cold how can we find the warmth within? It is not impossible, but every single time I see to kindle something within, it is blown out by the environment around me. I guess I am no where near as tenacious nor resilient as I once thought. I feel like I am continually being brought down. I crave something that is never given, yet I expect it again and again in my mind.
That brings me further on into my point that I almost set myself up for failure each time. In my search for these things, I come to hope and expect it at every turn from every person. Each time I pin my new hopes, a new wave of energy, all in hopes of some satisfaction. Nearly every time though it fails, I fail. Maybe I am expecting too much, or maybe I am just looking for things where they do not exist. Maybe I am forcing things to happen or occur or forcing feelings and bonds that maybe are only there because of the coercion.
I think we all need to feel special, we all need to feel loved, we all need to kindle that fire inside of us. While I do not think that any of us is unique, I think it is important to find those things that do make us feel special and loved, and surround ourselves with people that think the same and show it. I used to think I was a good leader, a good listener, a good resource, a good advocate, a good friend. As time goes by, however, I see those things losing strength. I think its because I am trying to force things where they do not exist as well as living in a place where the circumstances have changed. It is time to go through the fire and be born anew.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Random Thoughts Part XVI
1. I cannot stand presumptuous waiters that think that it is OK to touch my water glass in order to make room for the plates. First of all, make a fricking table that has room to eat and not cluttered with all this shit that does not impress me...especially is that damn candle is not real...where is the fun in that...Second of all, I consider myself a decent human being, I will make arrangements to move items around the table so that you may put down the plates. DO NOT TOUCH MY GLASS!!!
2. I believe in a God, but sometimes I think he does things just to laugh at my plight. I am very systematic when it comes to eating my food, and one of the elements of my eating process is that I save the best morsels for last. Just when I get to those last bites, God intervenes and makes my clumsiness drop it on the ground...and sadly no piece for Areef. At first I believe it was just me that was a moron leading to these occurrences, but considering the amount of times that this has happened in the most random ways, I blame it all on God.
3. I cannot stand people bagging my items. Yes, when I first get in line, I am excited since I can just be lazy, stare, and zone off for a good minute or two. Much to my dismay, however, Americans are morons, especially those that work on grocery stores. First off why you are putting my batteries in with my bread?! I do not believe the batteries will leak, but dammit that is just wrong. Who in their right mind would think mixing bread and batteries was OK in any circumstance. Not only that as the items continued to come on down, there were just three items left, shampoo, toothpaste, and flour tortillas. I think he understood that I was upset by the batteries and bread incident from my glare, so he thinks that its OK to put the shampoo and toothpaste in one bag and the flour tortillas get their own. Yes, lets just create more bags that I have to carry in, because that is so much more convenient especially for one item. I guess its not good for the environment either, but whatever.
4. What is up with people with big hair? First off I cannot stand big, poofy hair. Not appealing in any sense, but did they ever just once stop and think of the ramifications of their decision. How the hell am I supposed to watch the movie with your big poodle head blocking the view?!
5. One of the best feelings in the world: the restaurant pager going off. You strut up to the front and act like you just won the lottery. You then look around at all the other unlucky folks and think, "Yah, that's right Bitch, I was chosen." Oh the little things in life that make us feel special and like any of us actually matter.
6. What the hell is up with baby talk? Like the baby can actually understand the rubbish coming out of your mouth. In the end, you just sound stupid and probably increasing the chances of your baby growing up to be a retard.
7. I was in Wal-Mart today, following my Mom aimlessly. All of a sudden a splash of water fell on my head. I look up and there is a tile missing ONLY where I was standing and no where else in the store. I look down and there is no other water and no caution signs. This was no ordinary drop, it was like half a glass! This is very fishy, either someone planned for me to be there or God is up to his old tricks again. Blast him.
2. I believe in a God, but sometimes I think he does things just to laugh at my plight. I am very systematic when it comes to eating my food, and one of the elements of my eating process is that I save the best morsels for last. Just when I get to those last bites, God intervenes and makes my clumsiness drop it on the ground...and sadly no piece for Areef. At first I believe it was just me that was a moron leading to these occurrences, but considering the amount of times that this has happened in the most random ways, I blame it all on God.
3. I cannot stand people bagging my items. Yes, when I first get in line, I am excited since I can just be lazy, stare, and zone off for a good minute or two. Much to my dismay, however, Americans are morons, especially those that work on grocery stores. First off why you are putting my batteries in with my bread?! I do not believe the batteries will leak, but dammit that is just wrong. Who in their right mind would think mixing bread and batteries was OK in any circumstance. Not only that as the items continued to come on down, there were just three items left, shampoo, toothpaste, and flour tortillas. I think he understood that I was upset by the batteries and bread incident from my glare, so he thinks that its OK to put the shampoo and toothpaste in one bag and the flour tortillas get their own. Yes, lets just create more bags that I have to carry in, because that is so much more convenient especially for one item. I guess its not good for the environment either, but whatever.
4. What is up with people with big hair? First off I cannot stand big, poofy hair. Not appealing in any sense, but did they ever just once stop and think of the ramifications of their decision. How the hell am I supposed to watch the movie with your big poodle head blocking the view?!
5. One of the best feelings in the world: the restaurant pager going off. You strut up to the front and act like you just won the lottery. You then look around at all the other unlucky folks and think, "Yah, that's right Bitch, I was chosen." Oh the little things in life that make us feel special and like any of us actually matter.
6. What the hell is up with baby talk? Like the baby can actually understand the rubbish coming out of your mouth. In the end, you just sound stupid and probably increasing the chances of your baby growing up to be a retard.
7. I was in Wal-Mart today, following my Mom aimlessly. All of a sudden a splash of water fell on my head. I look up and there is a tile missing ONLY where I was standing and no where else in the store. I look down and there is no other water and no caution signs. This was no ordinary drop, it was like half a glass! This is very fishy, either someone planned for me to be there or God is up to his old tricks again. Blast him.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Help Yourself
I hate people that will not help themselves. I will be the first person there for a person if they need me. I will also do anything to help buttress any goals or initiatives that they are under-taking to better themselves, but when people come to me with situations in which they have not even began to think of solutions, that really aggravates me. Yes, it is one thing to vent, but it is a totally different thing to create a negative aura about yourself and send you and others around you into a negative spiral simply because you wish to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Things happen to everyone. It is not a good tactic to sift through the minutia and try and determine who is suffering more. A person of true character is not evaluated on what is given to them. A person that is to be respected is respected and evaluated based on what they do with what they were given. It is irrelevant the degree to which someone goes through hardship because, in my opinion, pain is relative. Victor Frankl writes that you can lose your Mom and at that same moment that you lose her have someone else pricked with a pin. Whose pain is worse? I would argue and agree with Frankl that they are the same. For in that instantaneous moment, both people are experiencing a pain that is encompassing their entire life. While the former may have longer lasting effects, it is not fair to judge the pin's pain since for that moment it did mean the world to that person and also no one can judge how a situation or problem might affect someone. Given all this though, we as a society have to learn to start helping ourselves. Waiting for someone to pick you out of the gutter will lead you nowhere, and it is important for people to realize that on average someone will only try three repetitive times to help you on a problem. If you keep refusing and wish to stay in your self-created purgatory, then you shall have to suffer for the hell on earth that you created yourself since you are helpless.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Venting
So, I just needed a blog to vent. I am just so frustrated right now. First off things that are going well. My Mom is doing a little better, so that is good. I was worried about her for a little while there. I got a 4.0 this semester, and that made me feel really good. I haven't seen that GPA since High School. I had lost a lot of my self-esteem in college especially being a Biology Major. I did fine, but I was always just above average, and it was often very frustrating or degrading. I have classes next with all the same professors as this semester, so I am really excited. I am only taking three this semester rather than four, so I do not have the horrible professor, thank goodness.
Vegas was fun, but drama that was sowed there has began to bear its fruits. My nuclear family is involved only because we are middle people. Why can't people simply work things out in a more mature manner, in a more one-on-one situation rather than pull this inter-family political bullshit. Ugh frustrating. I need to stop opening my mouth though. I think I like to feel important, so that is why I probably say something that I should not. I need to stop this since my mouth has gotten me into enough trouble and also hurt a lot of other people.
So I got my license suspended. I have a problem with speeding. I am always driving long distances alone, and I always get lost in my own thoughts and ponderings. When this happens, I lose focus of driving and my feet get a little happy. Before I know it, I am pulled over and realizing how stupid I am. Now I am sitting here taking this driving class online which is on its second day.
Again I am stupid...When I went to Vegas, I did not want Mom to pay for me. She is always nervous about money, so I thought I would just take care of myself as much as I could. Unfortunately, I did not manage my accounts properly and overdrew my account. I got a bill right before Indy and saw I still had 200 dollars in it. I thought it would be enough to have in Indy and then just put more in it once I came back. little did I know I had already over-withdrew 200 dollars...at the end of it all, I went to the bank yesterday and had 700 dollars in fines for overdrawing plus the money I had tried to over-draw...totally 1000 dollars. I am such a stupid idiot. Just throwing around money like that. I am very generous with my money, so a lot of people think we have free money, but after my Dad passed a lot of the finances were taken away by extended family, and we live on a fixed budget. I am such a great son just throwing around this money though and spending it frivolously on others. I have to change this and become more frugle with it.
I know exactly why I cannot be a counselor. I cannot stand being taken advantage of or taken for granted. I have really good friends around me, but also friends that I know care about me but just see me as an option rather than a priority, see me as a stability and support. Yes I love being that for people, but I am tired of being spit on. Tired of getting e-mails and calls and ims or whatever all asking for help and advice. I sacrifice my time or even sacrifice going out with my other friends so I can be there and I do not even get a thank you. I get asked to look over papers or whatever and spend a substantial time, and send it back to not even receive an e-mail back nor hear from that person again till they need help again.
I decided I wanted to start taking out people of my life. I have deleted 725 people off Facebook. I am tired of having faux-friendships and also tired of living this life where I think any of that matters because none of it really does. I mentioned about moving in a previous blog, this is still looking like the case for a 2 year plan. We are looking at a Northside-suburb of Chicago and down-sizing to a condo.
I need to grow up. I did a plethora of childish things on my recent sojourn to Indy, and it just reminded me of why I stopped doing a lot of things. I keep looking for reasons or ways to escape, ways to fit in. I am just so mad and irritated with myself. I feel like I have thrown 5 years of progress out the window. For the first time in years, I feel like a fricking loser again. Ugh...
Two of my old best friends apparently have been bad-mouthing me. I have not been friends with them for almost 3 years. Seriously, what material do they even have left. Let alone writing e-mails and having meetings about myself and a few of my other home friends. I remember why I broke away from a lot of my home friends. It is so much damn drama and childishness. I guess I can't really speak on the topic since I am just now writing a blog and bitching about random things.
A lot of my friends have been getting engaged...the total is now 14 people since August for me that I know/have known pretty well in the past. That is so weird to think about. I mean I happy for them (well most of them lol), but I do not think I am ready yet for that kind of commitment. I think I am jealous in some ways because I am afraid of being alone. Maybe more jealous that they have found that companionship which I have always craved. We all want someone whether its a parent, family member, friend, or a significant other who we have that unbreakable bond with...that accepts us for who we are, that knows us better than anyone, that goes out of their way to be our right hand. Maybe I am just idealizing the joys of it all and not realizing the commitment and focus required for it.
OK, I apologize for this bitch rant. Very immature and childish I know, but I just needed to let it out. Shall not happen again :-)
Vegas was fun, but drama that was sowed there has began to bear its fruits. My nuclear family is involved only because we are middle people. Why can't people simply work things out in a more mature manner, in a more one-on-one situation rather than pull this inter-family political bullshit. Ugh frustrating. I need to stop opening my mouth though. I think I like to feel important, so that is why I probably say something that I should not. I need to stop this since my mouth has gotten me into enough trouble and also hurt a lot of other people.
So I got my license suspended. I have a problem with speeding. I am always driving long distances alone, and I always get lost in my own thoughts and ponderings. When this happens, I lose focus of driving and my feet get a little happy. Before I know it, I am pulled over and realizing how stupid I am. Now I am sitting here taking this driving class online which is on its second day.
Again I am stupid...When I went to Vegas, I did not want Mom to pay for me. She is always nervous about money, so I thought I would just take care of myself as much as I could. Unfortunately, I did not manage my accounts properly and overdrew my account. I got a bill right before Indy and saw I still had 200 dollars in it. I thought it would be enough to have in Indy and then just put more in it once I came back. little did I know I had already over-withdrew 200 dollars...at the end of it all, I went to the bank yesterday and had 700 dollars in fines for overdrawing plus the money I had tried to over-draw...totally 1000 dollars. I am such a stupid idiot. Just throwing around money like that. I am very generous with my money, so a lot of people think we have free money, but after my Dad passed a lot of the finances were taken away by extended family, and we live on a fixed budget. I am such a great son just throwing around this money though and spending it frivolously on others. I have to change this and become more frugle with it.
I know exactly why I cannot be a counselor. I cannot stand being taken advantage of or taken for granted. I have really good friends around me, but also friends that I know care about me but just see me as an option rather than a priority, see me as a stability and support. Yes I love being that for people, but I am tired of being spit on. Tired of getting e-mails and calls and ims or whatever all asking for help and advice. I sacrifice my time or even sacrifice going out with my other friends so I can be there and I do not even get a thank you. I get asked to look over papers or whatever and spend a substantial time, and send it back to not even receive an e-mail back nor hear from that person again till they need help again.
I decided I wanted to start taking out people of my life. I have deleted 725 people off Facebook. I am tired of having faux-friendships and also tired of living this life where I think any of that matters because none of it really does. I mentioned about moving in a previous blog, this is still looking like the case for a 2 year plan. We are looking at a Northside-suburb of Chicago and down-sizing to a condo.
I need to grow up. I did a plethora of childish things on my recent sojourn to Indy, and it just reminded me of why I stopped doing a lot of things. I keep looking for reasons or ways to escape, ways to fit in. I am just so mad and irritated with myself. I feel like I have thrown 5 years of progress out the window. For the first time in years, I feel like a fricking loser again. Ugh...
Two of my old best friends apparently have been bad-mouthing me. I have not been friends with them for almost 3 years. Seriously, what material do they even have left. Let alone writing e-mails and having meetings about myself and a few of my other home friends. I remember why I broke away from a lot of my home friends. It is so much damn drama and childishness. I guess I can't really speak on the topic since I am just now writing a blog and bitching about random things.
A lot of my friends have been getting engaged...the total is now 14 people since August for me that I know/have known pretty well in the past. That is so weird to think about. I mean I happy for them (well most of them lol), but I do not think I am ready yet for that kind of commitment. I think I am jealous in some ways because I am afraid of being alone. Maybe more jealous that they have found that companionship which I have always craved. We all want someone whether its a parent, family member, friend, or a significant other who we have that unbreakable bond with...that accepts us for who we are, that knows us better than anyone, that goes out of their way to be our right hand. Maybe I am just idealizing the joys of it all and not realizing the commitment and focus required for it.
OK, I apologize for this bitch rant. Very immature and childish I know, but I just needed to let it out. Shall not happen again :-)
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