New Directions

It has been a while since my last blog post. Part of it was definitely because of time. The other part of it was that I needed some time away. These past few months I needed some time away from things that were no longer positive in my life.
I have since began my new island adventure, and it has been quite the experience. When I first arrived on the island, it was just thing after thing that was going wrong. I was totally alone. Left behind any semblance of my old life and was just walking blindly forward. Everything seemed so right though. I met some great friends right away who took me in and really made me feel like I was part of a family. We explored the island, went to the beach daily, and had a really positive initial experience of the island.

School came swiftly and things took a little dip downward. I had formed a close friendship with my neighbor Dauren, but it seemed like all my other friends were moving in a different direction. Freshmen year of undergrad was happening all over again. I began to revert back to a closed shell and neglect all progress that I had made over the past 5 years. I remembered what someone told before I left, though and knew that I had to make this my experience. I had to take charge. I kept putting myself out there and exposing my vulnerabilities. This was honestly one of the hardest things I have done in quite a while.

Fast-forwarding a few weeks, I am one of the top students in the class. Not to be prideful, but it feels nice to have this again. College was difficult not being on top academically, and honestly, I should have been. I got so distracted because of other people, that I neglected myself. It is my own fault, but I really regret putting so much time in involvement or going out of my way for people. I really gained a lot from these things and learned a great deal about myself, but I neglected my own path and my own purpose.

It is weird, but I think a lot of people look up to me here. They are not quite sure how I am able to manage my time so well and still do so well in my classes. It feels really nice to have this. Not as an ego boost, but I have always struggled with finding my place with people. Struggled with trying to figure out whether I mean something or whether or not I am respected. A major flaw of mine, but it nevertheless gives me a great sense of security that really lets me relax and be myself. That is what is so hard about starting a new for me. Starting a new is not just starting a new experience, but I revert back to an “embryonic” state of mind.
For the first time in my life, I have friends that are looking out for me and looking after me. Usually I was that strong person or that person that really was a support for my friends. I am still there in that capacity, but much of the responsibility is being shared now. I feel like I have entered many relationships where they are mutual. I feel appreciated for once. I feel like I matter for once. Back at home even some of my close friends would not defend me openly when times were rough, but here I have a strong support system and a strong safety net to fall back on.

I have let go of a lot of negative people in my life. People that sought only their selfish needs to be fulfilled with our friendship. Even if they are not completely gone from my life, any type of control or effect that they had is strongly diminished if not gone completely.

Some other friends from home, I feel have taken a step away as well. I think moving on, growing up. I will continue to do my part of the friendship, but ultimately only time will tell what will happen. Maybe it was meant to be. For the most part, I haven’t had time to even let these things bother me. I feel like I have aged a year or two since being here. I am a lot more calm and composed.

Where do I go from here? I hope to continue to strengthen my relationships here. I hope to continue to work on some relationships from home and not use this experience to cut them off. They mean so much to me, more than I think they know, but given my situation, I cannot keep putting forth 90% of the effort all the time. I have been thinking a lot about the past lately. My childhood and different memories. For some reason, all day, they just keep replaying themselves in my head. I have blocked out much of my childhood for years. Not wanting to go back to it even in recollections. Whenever the memories or thoughts do come, I try and squash them. Maybe it is time I look at some of the skeletons of the past. We all have these things, and I think that maybe when starting a new beginning, it is important to re-stabilize the past since no matter how new the beginning, it is ultimately building off what was once there.