This is my 66th blog post. Its symbolism provides a perfect framework for its purpose. I want to begin by apologizing if I have offended you or made any of you feel inadequate, hurt, confused, or alienated. Especially with my last few blogs. I have been a bit cruel to many people.
I have decided to end my blog. I want to put this demon to rest as it has only served the purpose of inciting others to anger . Maybe one day I will start this up again, but until then it, along with many other things, need to be put to rest. So long, as I delve deeper and deeper.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Throne of Pestilence
Coming from a sheltered background,I did not get a conceptual grip of the reality of life till the beginning of College. My parents would have given me the world if they could, but things were different back then, yet still so much the same now.
As time drew forward into College, I became more and more exposed to what a journey is life is supposed to be like. I started having feelings and emotions. I just remember being emotionally hollow before all this. It was almost as if now a insurgence of life breathed new flame into my bodily abode. Just as Pandora opened her box and out-poured all the cruel vices and evils of life poured out, I felt this inner rage explode tumultuously through every fiber of my being. I experienced things I have never felt before: jealousy, greed, neediness, wrath. I had become a living embodiment of all that is reviled in this world. People claimed they saw something special in me, but what they saw was an old me. One that I had smothered into submission in favor of the nuances of evil of the world.
What am I left with now? I have created my own self-imposed ethereal prison with my own pride and arrogance which serve as the shackles to my untimely fate. I sit on my throne of pestilence idly thinking over constantly every move, action, and though that courses through my mind and life. Those that I care for, my lips have been soldered together in fear of losing them or making them worry over me. Those that once were have slipped away just as water through one's palms. They remain trophes devoid of the effervescence that once used to give me strength...now on new trodden paths as I remain frozen in time.
I want to cast off this skin I have put on. I want to become apathetic again. I want to be devoid of emotional attachment. Maybe attachments are great for other people, but my expectations and stubbornness make it a curse for me. A curse that can only be repaid with a life sentence of solitude.
As time drew forward into College, I became more and more exposed to what a journey is life is supposed to be like. I started having feelings and emotions. I just remember being emotionally hollow before all this. It was almost as if now a insurgence of life breathed new flame into my bodily abode. Just as Pandora opened her box and out-poured all the cruel vices and evils of life poured out, I felt this inner rage explode tumultuously through every fiber of my being. I experienced things I have never felt before: jealousy, greed, neediness, wrath. I had become a living embodiment of all that is reviled in this world. People claimed they saw something special in me, but what they saw was an old me. One that I had smothered into submission in favor of the nuances of evil of the world.
What am I left with now? I have created my own self-imposed ethereal prison with my own pride and arrogance which serve as the shackles to my untimely fate. I sit on my throne of pestilence idly thinking over constantly every move, action, and though that courses through my mind and life. Those that I care for, my lips have been soldered together in fear of losing them or making them worry over me. Those that once were have slipped away just as water through one's palms. They remain trophes devoid of the effervescence that once used to give me strength...now on new trodden paths as I remain frozen in time.
I want to cast off this skin I have put on. I want to become apathetic again. I want to be devoid of emotional attachment. Maybe attachments are great for other people, but my expectations and stubbornness make it a curse for me. A curse that can only be repaid with a life sentence of solitude.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Close Encounters of a Moral Kind
People’s moral lassitude continues to astound me. Despite being in medical school they succumb to base temptations. It sickens me that so many people just let their own desires, passions, and bruised egos let slip away any dignity that they may have still possessed. I am tired of people being duplicitous, tired of them being hypocrites, and tired of them thrusting upon others their own insecurities that they themselves were drowning in.
People here see me as a calm, collected person. They do not see my inner demons of rage and anger. I have made mistakes in the past, but I never compromise my morals. I struggle all the time to keep my second, more sinister alter-ego from surfacing since I do not think most people could handle it. It is a scary individual, and it is a main reason why I do not let others see my thoughts or true inner mind workings. It is almost evil at times.
Well I got a bit tangential there, but I guess what I am trying to allude to eventually is that we all have our menacing inner self. Even if some people’s inner selves are more than others or that they are able to control them more, we are all obliged to societal dictations of how we should carry ourselves and people should stop being sacrilegious to not only to their own selves but to all of us around them. It’s weird, whether I am here or at home, people always think I am very different and not normal. Always making me feel like there is something wrong with me, yet in my head I have always thought deep down that I was the normal one. Maybe in many ways that is true…maybe rather in many ways I am surrounded by idiosyncrasies that let their inner demon lash out at destructive intervals rather than embracing one’s inner demon and learning to tame it into submission.
People here see me as a calm, collected person. They do not see my inner demons of rage and anger. I have made mistakes in the past, but I never compromise my morals. I struggle all the time to keep my second, more sinister alter-ego from surfacing since I do not think most people could handle it. It is a scary individual, and it is a main reason why I do not let others see my thoughts or true inner mind workings. It is almost evil at times.
Well I got a bit tangential there, but I guess what I am trying to allude to eventually is that we all have our menacing inner self. Even if some people’s inner selves are more than others or that they are able to control them more, we are all obliged to societal dictations of how we should carry ourselves and people should stop being sacrilegious to not only to their own selves but to all of us around them. It’s weird, whether I am here or at home, people always think I am very different and not normal. Always making me feel like there is something wrong with me, yet in my head I have always thought deep down that I was the normal one. Maybe in many ways that is true…maybe rather in many ways I am surrounded by idiosyncrasies that let their inner demon lash out at destructive intervals rather than embracing one’s inner demon and learning to tame it into submission.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Into the Rabbit Hole...Again
The oscillations of life's tantrums never cease to amaze me. The doldrums that continue to envelope time after time has become a regular occurrence. I get constant strife no matter who I am trying to be. One minute I am detached, aloof, introverted, and trying to act like a martyr. The next minute I am gossipy, whiny, and cannot be trusted.
I cannot seem to find a balance, and then I think to myself, why? Why do I consistently alter my being for the sake of others. This is not selflessness but rather an ever growing desire for acceptance, appreciation, and attention. Whether it is for family, my friends, or even my best friends, I seem to keep changing myself to cushion their own expectations or wants.
I know who I am, and what I am, and what I am to do, and I should focus on that. I shouldn't focus on harmonizing my world around me. Wasting away the gifts that I have been given, I sit here trying to please others or reach out to others. I am yearning for a dark, secluded place. One where I can hibernate my ego while still preparing myself to tackle the real hurdles in life. I could not be bothered with people's own insecurities and could not be bothered with my own insecurities. And so I go now.
I cannot seem to find a balance, and then I think to myself, why? Why do I consistently alter my being for the sake of others. This is not selflessness but rather an ever growing desire for acceptance, appreciation, and attention. Whether it is for family, my friends, or even my best friends, I seem to keep changing myself to cushion their own expectations or wants.
I know who I am, and what I am, and what I am to do, and I should focus on that. I shouldn't focus on harmonizing my world around me. Wasting away the gifts that I have been given, I sit here trying to please others or reach out to others. I am yearning for a dark, secluded place. One where I can hibernate my ego while still preparing myself to tackle the real hurdles in life. I could not be bothered with people's own insecurities and could not be bothered with my own insecurities. And so I go now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Adjective vs. Noun: Labels of a Modern Age
Since the Medieval Age, and even before, society has dictated who you are and what you will be. They have assigned you titles and roles that you are compelled to play in every aspect of your life. A simple noun such as knight, serf, blacksmith would serve as your prison from birth till death. We try to profane in this society that we have out-stepped these “barbaric” habits and have taken on a much more aesthetic view of living life.
From all my experiences in life, we have not shifted at all in the last thousand years, but in fact fell deeper and deeper into a sense of denial. We all try to purport that we are our own individual person that is dynamic and special in our own regards. Yet today the things that should attach to our personas, are still nouns not adjectives.
An adjective is a characteristic and helps explain a noun or a person. It serves as a color, a tone when painting the vast picture of one’s self. A noun, however, is a definition. It provides a framework for the picture and in essence traps one into a stereotype, into a role that they might not be ready or capable to play in its full performance.
I feel constantly weighed down by labels in that they put an expectation in the air that every person is likely to fail to meet at some point. They also trap you into a rigid structure that you will most likely never break free from. I would rather be in an amorphous setting where I can truly showcase all the different dynamic aspects of my personality rather than constantly feeling weighed down and burdened by the ever pressing obligations that come with people’s expectations.
I am not saying I wish to shirk any responsibility, but what I am saying is that I want to showcase my personality as adjectives, not nouns or labels. I want to be known as intellectual, compassionate, selfless, dutiful, and moral. Creating a label takes the light and luster out of a being and actually lessens the qualities of that individual that the label was trying to classify. As long as society’s self-imposed prison is thrust upon us, we cannot hope to propagate a society that focuses on the creation of a higher sense of self.
From all my experiences in life, we have not shifted at all in the last thousand years, but in fact fell deeper and deeper into a sense of denial. We all try to purport that we are our own individual person that is dynamic and special in our own regards. Yet today the things that should attach to our personas, are still nouns not adjectives.
An adjective is a characteristic and helps explain a noun or a person. It serves as a color, a tone when painting the vast picture of one’s self. A noun, however, is a definition. It provides a framework for the picture and in essence traps one into a stereotype, into a role that they might not be ready or capable to play in its full performance.
I feel constantly weighed down by labels in that they put an expectation in the air that every person is likely to fail to meet at some point. They also trap you into a rigid structure that you will most likely never break free from. I would rather be in an amorphous setting where I can truly showcase all the different dynamic aspects of my personality rather than constantly feeling weighed down and burdened by the ever pressing obligations that come with people’s expectations.
I am not saying I wish to shirk any responsibility, but what I am saying is that I want to showcase my personality as adjectives, not nouns or labels. I want to be known as intellectual, compassionate, selfless, dutiful, and moral. Creating a label takes the light and luster out of a being and actually lessens the qualities of that individual that the label was trying to classify. As long as society’s self-imposed prison is thrust upon us, we cannot hope to propagate a society that focuses on the creation of a higher sense of self.
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