Coming from a sheltered background,I did not get a conceptual grip of the reality of life till the beginning of College. My parents would have given me the world if they could, but things were different back then, yet still so much the same now.
As time drew forward into College, I became more and more exposed to what a journey is life is supposed to be like. I started having feelings and emotions. I just remember being emotionally hollow before all this. It was almost as if now a insurgence of life breathed new flame into my bodily abode. Just as Pandora opened her box and out-poured all the cruel vices and evils of life poured out, I felt this inner rage explode tumultuously through every fiber of my being. I experienced things I have never felt before: jealousy, greed, neediness, wrath. I had become a living embodiment of all that is reviled in this world. People claimed they saw something special in me, but what they saw was an old me. One that I had smothered into submission in favor of the nuances of evil of the world.
What am I left with now? I have created my own self-imposed ethereal prison with my own pride and arrogance which serve as the shackles to my untimely fate. I sit on my throne of pestilence idly thinking over constantly every move, action, and though that courses through my mind and life. Those that I care for, my lips have been soldered together in fear of losing them or making them worry over me. Those that once were have slipped away just as water through one's palms. They remain trophes devoid of the effervescence that once used to give me strength...now on new trodden paths as I remain frozen in time.
I want to cast off this skin I have put on. I want to become apathetic again. I want to be devoid of emotional attachment. Maybe attachments are great for other people, but my expectations and stubbornness make it a curse for me. A curse that can only be repaid with a life sentence of solitude.
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This island does seem like the ideal place for a rabbit hole, and med school the perfect excuse for it. I hope that the rabbit hole won’t make you wander aimlessly in Underland =P, but help you find the stillness in the waters that’ll help you see your reflection with more clarity and a deafening silence that’ll help you hear yourself whisper. I hope you return victorious in your battle against your inner demons and be back in time to answer your calling. And most of all I hope this brings you a sense of peace that will last and a clear path that will remain illuminated by a soothing light.
ReplyDelete- if you had a Mang for every Lee …
I find your lack of faith in others partly disturbing and partly true; we (others) tend to disappoint more than surprise, and this weight is not easy to bear on your throne. However, why is it your prerogative to keep quiet, afraid of losing those around you? Do you not think that they are perhaps the most qualified, and most able, to hear what comes out? And what if you were to ask those same persons if they preferred silence over speech?
ReplyDeleteThose around you are made to be as mirrors, reflecting your inner-demons, and hence your silence and turning away from those mirrors. Rather, I propose they can be as personal council, no different than your inner duty which guides you. We may disappoint, and we may fall short, but we do not serve merely to reflect you; instead, we desire equality, and to give unselfishly, as you have so many times before.