The oscillations of life's tantrums never cease to amaze me. The doldrums that continue to envelope time after time has become a regular occurrence. I get constant strife no matter who I am trying to be. One minute I am detached, aloof, introverted, and trying to act like a martyr. The next minute I am gossipy, whiny, and cannot be trusted.
I cannot seem to find a balance, and then I think to myself, why? Why do I consistently alter my being for the sake of others. This is not selflessness but rather an ever growing desire for acceptance, appreciation, and attention. Whether it is for family, my friends, or even my best friends, I seem to keep changing myself to cushion their own expectations or wants.
I know who I am, and what I am, and what I am to do, and I should focus on that. I shouldn't focus on harmonizing my world around me. Wasting away the gifts that I have been given, I sit here trying to please others or reach out to others. I am yearning for a dark, secluded place. One where I can hibernate my ego while still preparing myself to tackle the real hurdles in life. I could not be bothered with people's own insecurities and could not be bothered with my own insecurities. And so I go now.
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You know who you are and what you want, so be yourself. You have argued with yourself about who to be for so long, just be you. Do what makes you happy and that will ultimately find you where you want to go.
ReplyDeleteramblings.... love you