Conflicting Emotions

Anyone who is close to me should know that I spend much of my time daydreaming about my future. Seems like my mind dwells either in the past or future. I had my future so perfectly laid out with all my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I knew what I wanted my life to look like. It's real life to say that these all changed, but it was more than just a tweak to my views, but an entire paradigmal shift.

I used to always dream and look forward to a married life, to my darling children that I would spoil, to a mansion that I could call my own. Yet now I find myself not sure if I want to get married. Not sure if I have what it takes since I think I would always be unfair to that person no matter who they are. I am way too intimate and in touch with my own self that I don't let others in. I think I just hoped and dreamed for a partner who could walk that same path with me. I realize just how lofty an aspiration that might be.

Even children. I wanted them to coddle and hold. I wanted them to look up to me with a pure innocence and love that could only be bestowed upon a Father's eyes. I owe much more to my children than just love and affection though. I owe it to them as my obligation and duty toward them and toward society and have that intermixed with a interplay of love and harmony. How can I ever even phantom bringing children into this world when I am not able to ever fully control my own inner self.

I know these are all musings to all of you, but they have been very real to me. For the first time I imagine the rest of my life as a bachelor. Maybe its my quarter-life crisis speaking, or it could be just becoming more in tune with myself. Not everyone is so lucky to create a the typical nuclear family...