As the weeks have droned by, it seems like my inner self has been lulled into some sort of hibernation, some semblance of dormancy. My search for inner peace seems to have come to a standstill as the minutia of life continue to blind me to my true path and goals. It has been through my diligence that I keep striving to see beyond this and regain myself to keep going.
I thought my birthday would come and go, but I hit rock bottom then. The usual feelings of loneliness, unappreciated, worthlessness, and unnecessary self-pity all came as usual. I tried my best to conceal or swallow my own self-inflicted poisons, but this time a much more sinister feeling just would not subside. Guilt. The skeletons in my closet again came out, and it was too much to handle. I felt like I had nowhere to go. Caught alone with these feelings, I felt like I was cornered; forced to subject to its every whim and fancy.
Where am I now? Swallowing and internalizing everything around me again. I have been doing it for years, and though I have my weak moments, I have not yet fallen. It is who I am. I am know what my duty is and what my goals and my path in life are (Previous post). These glimpses from the past, however, are more than just glimpses. They are stumbles in my past where I strayed from the beaten trail; they are scars on my body that will never heal and remind me of a grim reality that will never fade away.
These floating realizations come and go, and I have struggled to make these thoughts tangible. They are thoughts and ideas that come to my mind that I realize about myself, but can't seem to find a reality to them. I know that sounds so confusing, but it just seems like I have been living in someone else's shoes these past few weeks. But I finally realize I think what has been bothering me, something too personal to write here, but something I know I must rectify, something that will take a long time to do, but something that hopefully I can begin to get atonement for. A realization that hopefully that will become reality and float no more.
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I know this is probably no consolation, but your scars, at least the ones I can see, are what make you beautiful. You have so many experiences, not all of which are positive, that have created and sustained the person you are today. It is that person, and that person's future, which came from those scars. I don't know if that truly helps, but trust me - it's a beautiful view :D
ReplyDeleteAreef, your writing always interests me. I'm not so bold as to say that I know the way you feel, but I had similar feelings recently. You should know, like Nick wrote, that you are a beautiful person. Many people see that in you and want to associate with you. It's unfortunate that many people are so anxious to better themselves through their interactions with you that they forget about you yourself. Nevertheless it is still nice that so many people want to call themselves your friend whether they act like friends or not. You are amazingly empathetic, smart, mature, and so much more. I love you my friend.
ReplyDelete-Grand Little
Scars are but traces of healing. Along with joys and laughter I think our scars add to the beauty of who we have become. And I think they act as constant reminders of lessons which may otherwise have escaped us - lessons that have been learned at a cost - lessons that have only made us richer. I hope you are able to see these scars and skeletons in the closet - not with guilt, but with a heart of strength and appreciation - for acting as eye openers, for adding this unique quality to your life and for shaping who you are and who you are going to be. From where I stand, my friend, your future, the contribution you are to make, is so bright that it is blinding. I believe skeletons in the closet may only have contributed to the greatness that's within you and that which is yet to be seen. I sincerely hope you are able to celebrate everything that's positive in your life just as much and appreciate the amazing and selfless person that you are and give yourself that pat on the back which you well deserve, just for being you. Who knows what good and bad karma we have accumulated throughout samsara?! All we have is here and now.. And here and now, you're amazing!
ReplyDelete<3
Jungly :)