Aqueous Transmission

I'm floating down a river
Oars freed from their holds long ago
Lying face up on the floor of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Two weeks without my lover
I'm in this boat alone
Floating down a river named emotion
Will I make it back to shore
Or drift into the unknown

Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river

I'm building an antenna
Transmissions will be sent when I am through
Maybe we could meet again further down the river
And share what we both discovered...
Then revel in the view

Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river
Further down the river

I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river
I'm floating down a river


This is one of my favorite songs. I have not listened to this song in a long time, probably because it lost meaning for a while. I felt like I had control of my life and was guiding it to where I wished. Now I lay here as the waves and rushes of the water crash against my vessel and take me here or there. I have accepted this and let fate take over a lot.

I feel like I have lost myself though. I realized before I even left Indy that I was letting myself be defined by my past. When I left my present offered no definition, and no matter what I tried I could not find it. I revert back to my past over and over again. Like an umbilical cord between child and mother, it needs to be separated for the survival of both.

I am a very caring, compassionate person, and I very much live my life through emotions. Yeah, whatever I know its not the most "manly" thing, but it is who I am and I know the people that care about me have accepted that. I almost feel like the relationships I built before, the person I built before and nurtured were like a child. Now my womb feels empty as I have lost the thing that gave me reason and purpose. A lonely parent bereft of the child that was meant to give them strength and solace and reason and purpose. Just like every bird must leave its nest, so much the past also be put in the past. This emptiness I feel must be replaced with a new future. It is idiotic to fill it with continuous memories of the past and try to relive it as it were my destiny.

Last time I tried to take steps forward, I recoiled in defeat, it is time that I try once again. The past shall remain in loving memory in my heart, and the things and people that are destined to accompany me to the future shall follow. Here is to moving on...here is to fulfilling my true destiny...here is to floating down the river

You Spin Me Right Round

The past two years have been a tumultuous time for myself. It seems that I have entered an un-ending roller-coaster of which I never know what I am in store for next. That is the beauty of life though, and that is how one learns the most and gains the most. As stated previously, I think my purpose coincides with being a mentor and helping others find their fulfill their potential. This is what motivates and drives me, and this is what gives me energy. It seems at home though, I cannot find that with the people. Maybe they are not my type, or maybe I have just lost my touch.

I live my life by duty to a fault. What gives me the energy to do so has been the aforementioned thing as well as my intuition with myself, but both seem to be amiss as of late. I do not feel myself, and I feel empty. My meditation techniques and other self-reflection techniques seem amiss as tell. I do not feel in tune with myself almost as if I have lost myself. This feeling quickly dissipates to replaced with fulfillment and pleasure only to disappear yet again. This has been an emotional roller coaster which has left me sleep-deprived. I have not been able to get to bed before 6AM in months, and once I fall asleep I am a lucky person to get more than 3 hours of sleep.

I was used to not getting much sleep the past few years, but I always had my energizing techniques, things that rejuvenated me. I feel instead thrown into a limbo of which I can only hope it is but a sojourn. A sojourn until break, a sojourn until medical school, a sojourn until who knows when. It is so weird to feel proud of my actions and who I am yet at the same time disgusted with what I am and what my mind thinks or leads me to do. Sometimes I am just a walking corpse eviscerated of what once was there, sometimes a man being tested for the future, sometimes just a crazy fool.

What have I become? It is not necessarily I am not doing the things that I need to be doing, or should be doing, or that I am lacking something. Something just is not right. The wind has changed course, the earth seems to move beneath my very feet. I feel empty, yet at the same time feel like I have a hundred people in my head. I feel every emotion at once, yet feel nothing at all. Maybe I need a change of pace, a move. I am trying to convince my Mom for us to move and get out of this mundane living. My Mom can sponsor me to go to Canada with her dual residency. Yes, I would leave behind my past, but it and those that mean something will travel with me. It is nonsensical to stay in a comfort zone only because I feel comfort...especially when that comfort zone has become nothing but a void.

Random Thoughts Part XIV

1. I have never played in the snow. Granted there might have been a time where I threw a snowball for a minute or such, but that is about it. These white people are always frolicking in the snow and act as if its the greatest thing that has ever happened. I really do not understand all the excitement. Maybe one day I will learn to understand this phenomenon.

2. I saw the most amazing thing the other day. A CRAYON MAKER. You take old crayons and melt them and you can forge new crayons with each other. They are a swirl of amazingness. I almost went to the store and got one right there. I had such a deprived childhood. Where were these amazing things back then!

3. I have a fixation on leaves. I will go out of my way to go step on leaves and hear that ever so pleasant "CRUNCH CRUNCH." You know what I hate though. When you see the most delectable batch of leaves and scurry over to give it a nice stomp....NOTHING. The damn things were soggy and NON-crunchy. What a devastating experience.

4. For those that know me, I am very touchy with the volume in my car. The volume MUST be on increments of 5. I have driving with new people or elders because they turn that dial like its their job. They do not realize that it literally drives me insane. I have pretended to get a call before, so I could lower the volume, "take" the call, then put the volume back at an acceptable number. If you do not know his yet, please mark it down from now on.

5. What the hell is the point of a sheet? We have the elastic sheet cover, the covers, but then that damn sheet in between. There is not purpose to that thing. All it does is get untucked and cause much frustration for myself. I need to figure out a problem to this dilemma.

6. I hate having to tell my Mom that I have something wrong with me. She always has a reason or excuse as to why it happened. If I have a headache, it is because I was talking on the phone outside. If my back hurts, it is because I had that can of soda. If I am throwing up, it is because I was out too late. WHAT DO ANY OF THESE THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. Indians Moms love to do this though. They like to make connections where connections to not exist to prove their point. My Mom has a chance to nag me about things she does not like by attributing them to my ailments. Ugh...

7. This 7th post, is somewhat of a different Random Thought. It is an apology. I have recently discovered the brilliance of a Snuggie. At first it was just because my Mom bought me one. I was very disturbed and upset. I hated those things, but then I tried it on and realized how judgemental I was. It is the most amazing contraption ever created. All they need to do is add some pockets and make it easier to walk around.

Random Thoughts Part XIII

1. I go to class yesterday, and I decide to go pee before class. The door was locked, and everyone was waiting outside, so I had to take my stuff with me. I didn't take off my backpack, but I had a newspaper in my hand because we had to bring in articles every week. So I'm standing there peeing, and a guy comes and starts peeing next to me (first off WTF you are supposed to be to the most extreme distanced urinal available). My newspaper was wobbling on the edge and falls to the ground between us, I am mid-pee, so I could not do anything. The guy next to me apparently has a faster fliud movement rate and finished before me. He finishes peeing and does the shake test to make sure you know get all that urine on the edge out. Well when he did the test he had already stepped back a bit, and two drops of urine dropped onto my newspaper...WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!!

2. I absolutely hate putting clothes on when I am wet. Dripping wet is a given, but if my skin is still damp from the shower, I still cannot stand it. I must have at least 20 min. after the shower to air dry my skin, because no towel can get rid of that moisture. If this is not done, I will literally be a mess all day.

3. I love scalding hot showers. I like to have my skin turn bright red and have me on the verge of screaming. It feels amazing. It is even better coming in from the cold and doing it.

4. You know what happened to me the other day. My Mom had brought home a pack of Reese's for me to eat. I am doing homework and not paying too much attention. I take off the wrapper and throw the morsel into my mouth. Much to my dismay, there was still a wrapper on the damn thing! The blasted Hershey's company had put two wrappers on the stupid candy. I promptly spit it out and threw it away. What a damn shame.

5. I cannot stand Owen Wilson's nose. I understand that some people have physical abnormalities. I understand. There is NO reason though that a man of such fame and money should have a nose like that. Why does he not invest in getting rid of that thing. It does not build character, and no one is attracted to that obstruction. I find it hard to believe no one has told him that he looks like a fugly dumbass with it.

6. So, I have a problem. I randomly bleed. I take off my shirt to shower, and the back of my shirt is covered in blood. I go to scratch my leg for the first time, and my hand retreats with blood trickling all over them. I have the stigmata I have decided. I cannot explain it, nor do I understand it. I also do not know whether to be freaked out or impressed with my new ability.

7. This girl in my class is always complaining how the government is screwing her and that she has no money. Funnily enough, she has a Coach purse, Dolce and Gabana jacket, and Prada sunglasses. Yes, I know they might be fakes, but as someone that knows a thing or two about fashion, even those fakes are relatively costly. Why do these morons buy these items and then have no money for their bills and thus go on welfare. Stupid worthless beings. I shall send them promptly to Greenland along with the other morons.

Can you use it in a statement please?

Definitions. We live in a world that is entirely held together by definitions and meaning. Everything has its place and every action but be held in accordance to those set things. We are bound by the limited interpretations of those definitions. My question is though, who develops these definitions? I could talk about society as a whole, but I wish to focus on relationships. No matter the relationship, each side of the bond interpret and create meaning for the relationship. By no means is this creation congruent nor alike. We each develop our own understandings as to what the relationship means, how it plays a role in our lives, and how to nurture and protect it.

When two people have a disagreement in a relationship, nine times out of ten it is not because there was an actual incident intended to hurt the relationship, but rather there was a mis-communication, a misconception, that unfolded of which both parties blame the other person about. I have my set notion of what my relationship should look like. I have the expectations and demands that I expect to see when given situations occur. The thing is that the other person has the same expectations and demands that they expect to occur which leads to the problems and issues. We live in a subjective world where all humans want to control what is around them. They want things to go there way essentially. While I think there are degrees to which this notion is upheld, in relationships we expect that the person act in accordance to our expectations. When they do not, they fail to uphold their bargain in one's mind.

I have an issue of not telling many people my expectations in relationships, and from it I remain disappointed. I remain disappointed because my definition of what a friend is, of what our relationship is does not match reality. Then again though, it probably does not match reality for the other person either. Yet, we adhere to these definitions, we live by these definitions, we suffer by these definitions. In the end, maybe we are supposed to be disappointed by relationships. It helps us remember who we are, what we are meant to do, and what our path is. There is great love, benefits, and prosperity in relationships as well that can do the same, but ultimately everything has its two sides.

Random Thoughts Part XII

1. Another story in the life of Areef. The other day my printer broke. I decided to go to the library to print out my paper. When I got there, I went to Computer #1. This computer was not working. Computer #2. Not hooked up to the printer. Computer #3. Works, until I got to my e-mail, realized I saved it in 2007 Word and the computer only had 2003 Word. FML. I then decided to go get a book for school that I needed. I get the book and go to the check-out line. I realized that I had a $10 fine on my card, so I thought I would be smooth and use my Dad's card. I give the lady the card, and she asks for ID. I give her my ID, and she says this is not you. I then try to explain her that my name is Areef Salim Kassam as shown on my Driver's License and that the Library made a mistake and put my middle name as my first name on the account. She asked if it was possible that this was just my Dad's card. I said no because my Dad is dead and that is not his name. She then brings her manager over, then the circulation manager over and they keep firing questions at me. I create this elaborate story about the library making a mistake and in the end the manager said to create a new account for him. Problem. The lady took my ID, searched my name, found MY account, and found that Salim Kassam was in fact my Dad. She gets livid, asks how I could lie about my Dad being dead. I tell her my Dad really is Dead, but that I did lie about the name. In the end, I had to pay the $10, wasted 10 minutes I was trying to save, and looked like a fool...FML...OH WAIT...it does not end there...of course it would not in my life. I go to the Library at school to print it off now (This is after other random annoyances and unfortunate events). I sit at a computer and spent about 15 min. trying to get it to boot up. Eventually I change computers and a girl comes after me and sits down to use the old computer. As she sits the Info Desk Lady tells her it has not been working all day. WTF WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THIS!!! I then try to print out my paper, of which the computer is not hooked up to the right printer, I change computers, try to print, printer jams, e-mail it to professor, late to class, AND get two points taken off...UGH

2. To continue with my Library theme. I decided the Library needs some sort of Netflix. I do not know what makes them think I am capable of renting a book, reading it, and returning it in two weeks. The first two are not bad, but I need at least a month to return it. I finished the book two weeks ago, but the mental energy required to plan a trip to the library in my daily schedule is too much. I wish to return the book when it is convenient to me. That is why libraries should have a Netflix system where I can only check out another book when I return the old book, but no fines. Genius.

3. I go into class today, and I walk toward my usual seat. Just as I was about to get there, this bulbous obstruction of a woman sits down IN MY SEAT. I have sat in that seat for the past 10 weeks, without fail. What gives you the right to take my claimed seat. I felt like whipping the woman with her cane.

4. I mentioned before the glory of canned sodas opposed to bottled sodas. Let me explain the biggest downfall of the can though. The amount of sips present. I am convinced they take the amount of sips to satisfy thirst and subtract one. You know when you are drinking from a can, and you need that one last bit to quench your thirst, but then you realize the can is empty. You do not want to open another can because you just want that one sip, so now you suffer...stupid Coca-Cola.

5. The onderlying theme of this novel is blah blah blah. No that was not a mistake. This is what I am surrounded with. It is NOT ON-derlying, it is UN-derlying. Learn how to properly pronounce your words you ignorant fools.

6. I love going outside when it is brisk like today. Getting all my limbs a little numb, then coming back in to the warm house. It is one of the most amazing feelings ever.

7. I would just like to end this one with not a random though, but how frightening Paranormal Activity is. I have not slept since Tuesday. I am completely and utterly freaked out. Please see it ASAP, so we can be insomniacs together. Kthanx.

Random Thoughts Part XI

1. I am going to begin with a story that happened to me today. I am at the mall, and I decide just to grab lunch in the food court. I decide to try this new Japanese Grill. Bad idea. My Mom had given me a $50 to go buy my food, so I go to the place and order. They ask for money, and I reach into my pocket hand them the bills and zone out as I usually do. I come back to reality with some angry Japanese man yelling fragmented English at me. He claims that I only gave him two dollars. We then begin an arguing match of me saying he stole my $50, and he saying that I only gave him two. He then calls his associates over to show them that I only gave them too. Yes stupid man, I know that you only have two dollars in your hand, but you stole my $50 and are trying to cover it up with these two dollars. Eventually the man calls security over because I was causing such a fuss. We explain the situation, and I decide to put my hands into my coat pocket. It was then that I pulled out my $50 and realized what a complete fool I was. Long story short, the damn Japs refused to serve me. FML.

2. I cannot stand warm drinks. There are certain drinks that were meant to be warm, i.e. coffee, tea, hot chocolate, etc. Coke, water, juice...THESE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE WARM. I judge people base on what they offer me. I only like to be served chilled beverages. Granted the spontaneous visit might not give the host enough time to prepare for the proper beverages, but if someone invites me to their house, I fully expect some sort of chilled beverage to be on the menu.

3. You know what really annoys me. CVS and Walgreens. I really do not understand what is going through their minds. Everytime CVS opens a new location, Walgreens has to come right behind them and not only open a new location but open it RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET. I may not be an economist, but this is idiocy incarnate. Even if for some reason there is some sort of weird, twisted way this is profitable, it just annoys me that they are right next to each other. Things have to be spaced out evenly and efficiently. I refuse to make regular purchases at these stores from now onward.

4. I cannot decide which I hate worse, Snuggies or Blue-tooth phones. While blue-tooth phones can be a very cool, useful gadget, they are being completely misused. I was sitting at a restaurant and this lady was sitting next to us by herself. All of a sudden I hear her say, what time does the place close? Thinking she was talking to me I respond with "I think 9." She turns to me and really rudely says "I ain't talking ta you." OK, hold up. First of all, go back to school and learn some grammar lady, and while you are at it learn to be civilized and not speak to me like an uneducated punk. Second of all, I did not see your blue-tooth. Do not go into public and talk on your blue-tooth. You are not cool. It does not make me think, "Oh wow, that lady is so important that she needs to continuously talk to people as she does errands because shes so damn important and busy." It makes me want to shoot you.

5. So one of my teachers has the most annoying habit. He asks rhetorical questions incessantly. "What is public policy? It is the blah blah blah. Now what does that mean to us? Blah blah blah. What is the executive branch? President. WTH, I did not sign up for a class for you to have a conversation with yourself. Can you get that checked out please? I stopped asking questions in class because none of the responses make sense. He will literally argue with himself in the responses...What is public policy? It is agenda setting. No. It is more. Does it involve blah blah blah. Yes, they do. Did I mention that he has a thick accent from Ghana...

6. OK, the blue-tooth lady inspired me. I wish to enact new public policy. I wish to call for the segregation of people that advance society and people that are worthless. The government shall issue IQ tests, and we can control for different things like one is not good at standardized tests and mental illnesses, and people that are nice but do not have the smart. Anyone who does not meet these standards shall be shipped off to Greenland. We shall be kind and give them some clothes and food, but that it is. After that they shall be left to fend for themselves and stop ruining other people's lives. More than likely they shall all die. I am OK with that.

7. I dislike the gas-light. It comes on telling you that you are on empty, BUT it lies to you! You are not really on empty, you can still go many more miles! I have gone 30 miles since the gas light has come on. Nothing happened. I am slowly pushing the limit I know, but I would like a car that tells me when I am maybe 5 miles away from empty. I am not a dumbass I know when the car is nearing empty, but do not tell me my car is empty when I have a good 30 miles to go. And do not respond saying that it is there to remind people that do not notice. If you cannot notice something like that, then maybe you belong on the island that I described above.

Teeter-Totter

Oh Wow. Have I been all over the place lately. So I guess a little update on a previous post. The Public Affairs Club is kind of in my hands right now. I am just so swamped with Mid-terms and papers and projects that I have not had time. I actually think I am busier this year than last. Not necessarily time-wise, but mentally wise. Graduate school work is a lot more draining than undergrad was. I need my time to de-stress and do weird things. Does not seem like I can get enough of it though.

I am not doing that internship program in Chicago. Requires too much time, and I really want to graduate in two years. Maybe some other time. Plus I need to take my Mom to work and such, and it would just be too difficult to maneuver it all. I also decided not to go ahead with the Student Trustee position. This past weekend I realizezd that I do not want to be in an university my whole life. I know my scope is larger than that, and I feel like it is too easy to fall into the internal elements of an university and lose the big picture.

On top of that I did not enjoy my meeting with the Ph.D. program. I cannot see myself doing it my whole life. People with the sign of Aquarius need to feel fulfilled in life. What they do in life has to be working toward a bigger purpose. Given that, we cannot simply work on something or do something because we are good at it. As much as people say I should do this, that, or the other I know my limitations in that I will not be happy just focusing on my strengths.

People keep telling me to try HESA. Besides the reasons above, I just believe HESA does not have a community aspect to it. Its focus is primarily on individuals in the university and does not on a regular basis reach other to impacting the community as a whole directly. In HESA, you constantly have to be leaking out positive energy and always hide sometimes your true feelings. You do not want to influence the growth of the student based on your own personal convictions. I think that would be hard for me at times especially that I would have to hide my personal opinions about matters that I feel strongly about. I am an introverted person as well, and I think it would be difficult that all my work in located around people and that I do not have as much control as I would like (Please see Control blog).

I realized another thing now. I do not want a public office at this point. I prefer to work behind the scenes not in the spot-light as much. I would rather work as a private stake-holder in politics in a regulatory agency of some sort. As a lobbyist working to influence public policy behind the scenes rather than in the forefront.

I am not happy with any of these career choices, probably because I cannot find one that I feel fits what I believe my purpose is. Well that is except one. Medicine. When I wanted to be a doctor, I felt like I was fulfilling my purpose in life. I felt complete and whole. I am just so confused. I think I need to go with my gut (thanks Little), and follow what I believe I need to do. People try and influence me with what they think, but I think in the end what matters is what is in my gut and what I want. Maybe I threw away medicine because I was so burned that they rejected me, that I felt like a failure and I did not want to remember that pain anymore. Ugh, I need to let go a little and stop thinking about things so much. I should not throw away 22 years of a dream based on a single occurence right? Maybe medicine is not right for me, but I do not think it was right just to give it one shot then throw it out the window. Well here's going back to the drawing board, yet again. I still find it weird that people come to me for advice and seeking stability when I cannot seem to find my own.

Control

For those of you that know me well, you know that my head is always brimming of things I want. I am the epitome of a goal-oriented person I guess you might say. I always need a challenge or something to work at otherwise I get bored, annoyed, and aloof. This may seem like a strength, which it is, but I have seen another side of it lately especially when it comes to my relationships.

If you look at the closest people in my life, they are the ones that in ways push me away. They create this sort of enigma as our relationship grows. It does not mean that we are not close, but they are always on a different step than me. My personality dictates that I hate not having control. In fact I am fascist in some senses that people should bend to my way because it is the only right way. I will admit I often get into these moods, and it drives me crazy. That is why I have a love-hate relationship with challenges and the closest people in my life the people that fit into this challenging prototype. I cannot control them in the sense that they are challenging, and it is something that I must always work at. This sounds so demeaning but please remember most of my posts are theoretically-based so elements of humanism have to be taken out.

Now the other paradigm in my life is that I have people or things that I could have be much closer or I could take advantage of an opportunity, but I choose not to. I distance myself from these things. We might have a relationship, or I might work with one of those activities, but it is routine, mundane, hackneyed, and just another thing to pass the time sometimes. Wow that's cynical. There is some truth to it though in that the things that I cannot have, cannot control, cannot predict, cannot fully understand or interpret fascinate me and mean much more to me.

I have known this flaw of mine for awhile, but I have covered it up. It is very weird because I know myself so damn well I would shock people if I did an analysis of myself because I know my strengths, weaknesses, why I do things more than the average person. It stems from my wanting to control everything...even myself. I am a slave to my own designs, and I know what I need to do to break it. I cannot bring myself to do so though. It is ingrained in who I am in many ways, my wanting to have a challenge. I think I am a bit extreme with it and fascist even in that if I do not want something I will do all in my power to stop it. Maybe I need to temper it down more, then again am I not just entering myself in the same perpetual cycle of trying to control every aspect of my life?

Along with this aspect of myself, I hate feeling like I belong. I want to belong so badly in some aspects, but then I am hit with the problem of feeling comfortable where I am or with a relationship. This leads to boredom, aloofness, and detachment. I guess I like to float around and belong to many groups at my convenience though. Damn, I am such a Nazi...I am not ashamed to feel like this necessarily. I think I definitely hit the extremes of how I am/feeling, but I think this society is so caught up in looking at everything in a humanistic point of view. Often times, our minds do not work in that way, but we are too ashamed of voicing them in fear of coming off as callous or superior.

Well, that is all. Now for some sleep :-).

Random Thoughts Part X

1. So I am sitting in class listening to the professor blabber on about the same topic. I put down my pen for a while until he's done making his same point. Finally he moves on to the next topic, and I reach for my pen to take notes. It's not there. I search all over the table, below the table, myself...nothing. I take out another pen and begin to take notes, until I realize the person next to me is using my pen. Their pen had run out of ink, so they just thought to grab mine. I will end the story here because all the rest will be is a series of cuss words, but seriously who does that?

2. I am in the middle of a movie. I get a call, and screen it because I cannot pick up at the time. One minute later, the same person calls again. If I did not answer the first time, why in the world would I consider to answer the second time? I really should consider writing my Ph.D. in phone etiquette. There is one exception to this rule. You call and get no answer, and then you realize you want to leave a voicemail. This is the only acceptable reason to call twice.

3. I went to lunch with a friend the other day. She started talking about how she and her friend Rachel went to Six Flags the other day. Ok, hold up. You mean the Rachel that I went to high school and middle school with? The Rachel that used to be in every other one of my classes? The Rachel that used to hang out with us? Why in the world do you need to say my friend. I know perfectly well who you are speaking about. This is rubbish.

4. I really hate when you are telling someone about something that happened, and the first thing that they say is "Really?!". No, I just made up that I got an A on my test, or that my car broke down, or that Fight Club is on TV. Get with it people.

5. I love clothes right out of the dryer. In fact, I have made it my mission to wait for the clothes to get right out of the dryer and then put them on. I just find that my days are so much more fulfilling.

6. I cannot stand apples. I also hate people that eat apples in front of me. I have a horrible thing with sounds, and I cannot take the crunching of an apple. It literally drives me insane, and I have to leave the location because I will scream. I mean its not that the taste is bad, but there is no need for apples to be that crunchy. It just is not right.

7. Another story about people failing at their lives. I was in class when the girl next to me straight up burps on my face. There was no excuse me, no covering of her mouth, instead I get a great big whiff of that chicken and beans she had for dinner. Then she had the audacity to go back to writing notes without any regard for the situation she placed me in. She was just doing too much...

Bright Future

Sorry for the delay in posts. I have just been swamped with things. I had to give up my teaching position for my "Church." It was an extremely hard thing to do, and I felt horrible for quite some time. I felt like I had to give up not only something that was very important to me, but also my way of giving back. I was offered the position of a Substitute though, so I am very excited. Things always work out in some way or form. It may not be what we initially thought, but I am grateful nevertheless.

The Public Affairs Club is coming along. It had some rough patches, but people are getting interested!!! I am very excited about that. I got asked to be a Senator for Student Government here as well, so I decided to take that position. Who knows, maybe I will even run for an office in the Student Government next year. I think I was having a difficult managing my time because graduate school is so different from undergrad. I have been challenged so much in my way of thinking. It is just a totally different mindset in the way we look at everything. It has been amazing, and I feel like I am learning and growing so much.

I also got into this program in Chicago. You have to apply and then if you get accepted, they pair you up with an advisor. She is going to help me find internships and get situated as I enter the professional world. I have a few internships lined up, so I am excited to have things to choose from!

I am looking into becoming the Student Trustee for IU. It is not due till January 2011, but I know how these things work and I will need to begin to get all my things ready now. It is always good to work toward something in my opinion instead of just randomly applying for things that come up. I think that works sometimes, but I think there is value in having a general idea of where you want to go in life.

I am looking to apply for a Ph.D. in Philanthropic Studies in Indianapolis. I am very excited about this. Hopefully while earning my Ph.D. I can get a fellowship with Housing or CCL or a teaching position. I cannot wait for this phase of my life! I am also looking into dual degrees possible with an M.B.A.

I am ready to make a change, make a difference. Get ready everyone! :-)

Negativity

I feel like I am surrounded by negativity. Everywhere I go there is just so much negativity around me. I am not necessarily the most optimistic person in the world, but I am by no means a pessimist. If something unfortunate happens, I may not be positive about it, but I will do everything in my power to turn it around.

It seems that so many of the people in my life are negative and pessimists. They look for the bad in everything and leave themselves in ruts that they are in. They wait for someone or something to bring them out of it. This is so different from me. I do not like people helping me out with anything if I have a problem. I mean do not get me wrong there are a certain few that I go to for advice, encouragement, motivation but even then its just so I can remind myself of what I need to do to be successful.

It has gotten to points though where I feel like it is holding me back. As far as friends go, it is a lost cause in some situations. I have spent hours and hours trying to do all that I can to change that negative mindset, but I guess it is just human nature to sit where we are comfortable...for some that is in their misery. People find comfort in their misery because they feel sorry for themselves. There is nothing more comfortable than feeling sorry for onself. I guess that is something they need to help themselves with. I think it is just weird for me since I have never not been able to help someone. Now I just see people around me becoming more and more negative. Maybe I am not doing my duty anymore, or maybe I am just losing my touch. It is quite possible that I am not as motivational or compassionate as I thought. Maybe I lost touch with the part of me that made me who I am.

I think it is hard though when I cannot say how I truly feel sometimes. Duty does that. Duty is the only thing that can keep my mouth shut. I am a pretty honest person that does not shy away from fighting for what I believe to be right. My honesty is often compromised though when duty comes into play when I feel like I cannot say how I really feel. It is detrimental in a situation where someone needs to hear the truth. Yes, I try to let them hear the truth because that is the most meaningful way of helping someone, but how can I do it when it drives them away. It is hard for the people in my life who when I try and expose the truth to them, they lose trust and faith in me. They believe that I am against them just the same. I think I maybe losing my touch, or I just need to refine what I currently do.

I had a very good weekend. I worked hard to make sure that Brady had the best 21st ever, and I think it went great. He's really an amazing guy, and I miss being down there with him. Especially seeing all these little ones flocking to him. I mean he deserves it, but I just remember the freshman whose name I put down on the Hall Council nomination sheet. Weird how quickly things change. Yesterday I was his RA and we would do everything together, but now he is an RA himself and hours away on a completely different path.

It was nice to be away this weekend, but I came back to reality which hit hard. I just feel like I do not have a lot of positive things to seek inspiration around me. Not saying I do not have amazing things or people around me, but I just feel back to square one of how I felt when I first came to IUPUI. That feeling of hopelessness and instability. All I need is my faith and myself I know, but it is hard to see something that I have built up for so long slip away. I really hope that I am not losing focus on what I believe my purpose is. I try to live it everyday, but it feels like something is not right. I am just missing something right now. I just cannot seem to put my finger on it though...

Random Thoughts Part IX

1. So the home phone rings, and I go to pick it up. I say "Hello." The other person on the line says "Hello" back, and that is it. WTH, I do not know who the hell this is. Now there is an awkward 5 second pause of silence until I say something stupid, find out who this person is, find out I know them well, and look rude and impolite for the way I answered. Learn how to use a phone people, when you call someone introduce yourself. "Hello Areef, this is John." Come on now...

2. So I was driving this past weekend, and this person was in the far right lane. Randomly he cuts across three lanes of traffic and cuts me off. Anyway that knows my rage can imagine what I did. But the man then raised his hand and apologized. I quickly forgive him and went back to my old disposition. You cannot break the rules of saying thank you and sorry. I hate letting people in for them not to say thank you. There are several times I go in the next lane just so I can cut them off and make them pay for not saying thank you.

3. I was talking to a person at Bank about a policy. She referred me to "Number A" Some degree you have there lady, cannot even tell the difference between numbers and letters.

4. You know that song "You're So Vain." It always confuses me because it says that the the song is not about him, but it really is isn't it? So does that really make him vain, or just make the lady stupid?

5. Another update on the Snuggie. It is worse than I imagined. They have a new set of commercials out with pet snuggies, people dancing with their snuggies, going to the movies with the snuggies, and watching a game and doing the Wave with it. I cannot take it! I will defriend any person who buys this contraption.

6. I love going through carwashes. I turn my music volume all the way up and have a great time. I love going through the drying area too because the one I go to have ropes on the walls with little stuffed monkeys hanging on. One word: Amazing.

7. I hate that Wal-Mart commercial about going to school. What male in their right mind would want a room that looked like that. Thanks but no thanks Wal-Mart. Maybe I will hit you up if I am looking for a sex change.

The Higher Road

Who we are, our identify finds its foundation and is molded by our thoughts. People who use this form of thought and this way of life have the capacity to bring immense amount of joy through thoughts and actions. Joy is a little child that runs after them wherever they go.

I love the paradox of this though. Joy surrounds them, but little joy do they receive themselves. I find myself on this road a lot. I follow what I believe to be right, follow what I believe to be my path because it is RIGHT. Not easy, but right in my mind for me. Why does society frown upon that? People are weirded out by that and ask why not do what makes you happy not what is right.

Do not get me wrong, there is so much I am happy and grateful for in my life, but this happiness is but fulfillment. I try to live my life as a buttress of support for those around me. Look at the beams of a building though. Without the beams, it would shudder and collapse. Yet no attention is paid to the beams. When the beam does break under pressure, people blame it for not doing its duty rather than thanking it for what it had done all this time.

I am not saying I am perfect or saying I am a martyr by any means, but I see the people getting so caught up around me in their own lives. I feel left out, someone to only come to when they need encouragement or motivation. It is weird how people rush back to their past or to the steadfast things in their life only when they need support. All other times, they lose the big picture.

I am happy for the road I am on. It is a difficult, higher road, but pressure is so consuming sometimes to always deliver. A beam has no choice but to accept his place in life, but sometimes the pressure and the hidden role is a lot. I feel like I failed in a lot of notions. I think I made my impact, but none of that is prevalent anymore. Others have taken up what I started. I slip into that hidden role again, something in the past.

I feel inadequate, and just an option. I was something that worked once, but now bigger and better things have come along. I think that is my path, carving out the road for bigger and better things to come. I guess that is something that is vitally important. It may be forgotten or taken for granted, but then again in the end does that really matter? All that matters is to do what it is right. That is the goal of my life.

Random Thoughts Part VIII

1. So there have been a lot of military commercials lately. Today, however, one came on about some traditional Indian family having their son want to go into the military. I can speak on this because I am Indian...the only professions you can be are doctor, lawyer, or engineer. Yeah they need to get their facts straight, plus we are not cut out for no military. The biggest work-out we get is sweating from all that damn spicy food we eat.

2. I saw the most amazing thing today. Someone was walking a duck! Straight up had a string around the duck's neck and was just waddling down the street. I do not think I have ever been more inspired in my life. I have added this to my list of things to do before I die: Walk a duck down the street.

3. You know when you just get out of the shower, and you are dripping wet. You reach for a towel to dry yourself off and then wrap it around yourself. I have never had a more unfulfilled feeling as to when the towel barely could wrap around me. I mean he got around but there a slice of me that was exposed. Why in the world would they make a towel that cannot wrap around you? More than that even, why would my Mom buy these cheap ass things.

4. I was walking up the stairs the other day. I go the right side and start my ascent. This large woman is walking down in the same lane as me. She stops and expects me to move and says "Excuse you." Excuse me woman, I could say many things, but you need to get some education. That is what we need in America: Walking etiquette. We drive on the right side of the road. Why in the world would you think this disappears because we are out of car. Everything is designed for the right side. Another instance of the failure of mankind.

5. Elevators just confuse me. I press the down button and wait. The elevator comes and SAYS it is going down, but NO it decides to go up, much to my dismay. I get off only to realize I am on the 4th floor, look like an idiot, and hop back in. We all press 1, but it stops at 2. Thinking it is 1, I get off because no one was there to get on. AGAIN, I look stupid and get off and have to rush back in. Finally we get to Floor 1, and I am about to get off, turn around, and the people are like you can get off now. I felt stupid. I hate elevators. I shall be the last time I ride one for a while.

6. I was sitting in class yesterday, when the person in front of me farts. Not a small fart, one of those loud farts where you have no choice but to admit that it was yours. But no, she did not move. She made no inclination to show that she just farted. Then the lady has the nerve to turn around and look at me. Yes woman, I know you farted, and yes it smells. Do not try and act like you were so sly that if you ignore it no one will care. Oh well, the professor does not like her anyway. Take that.

7. So I have an issue with time obviously. My newest issue is the use of Today and Tomorrow. I hate when I am talking to someone at 1AM on a Monday late night lets say, and I say lets get lunch tomorrow. I mean to get lunch on Tuesday, not Wednesday as they may think. Yah yah new day started at 12AM, we all know that. But the day does not officially end until I go to sleep. Tomorrow begins as Today when I wake up from sleep. That is my final word.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

I wish to focus this blog on the evil that is a single paradigmatic object, the glass mirror. This object is no mere object. It is a symbol. A signal and channel to truly expose the world for what it is.

It was not long before mirrors completely invaded our society and put it to lock and chain. Look around you. Mirrors. Everywhere. How many mirrors do you have in your house?

“Oh Lord! Alas, under what evil influence have we fallen? to see such depravity on earth as we see, to the point of bringing to church these mirrors of corruption hanging from the belly. Were one to read all the histories—divine, human, and profane—it would never be found that impudent and meretricious women had worn mirrors in public until this day, when the devil is set loose in France: which is more detestable before god and before men than all other abominations. And though none but courtisans and masqued damsels use them, if these times are any indication, every last bourgeois woman and chambermaid (as there are, even at present), by force of habit, will want to wear one.”

The mirror does not offer a distorted reflection, nor requires polishing, and because of this in no way does it serves as a reminder that God alone sees and judges each person as he or she truly is. We have become God. We decide who is pure, who is whole, who is good, and who is bad. The reflection that these tools offer is an usurpation of divine vision. Any person can now offer a counterfeit image of crystal clarity. They have become shape-shifters. If society accept that what mirrors show is reality, then we are truly doomed. We invest all our energy into perceptions and striving to reach those same realities. We transform and transfigure who we are to fit into a base society where images are the world.

Mirrors signal a disregard for both the hierarchy of society and the estate of man before God. Though reality may be one thing, the mirror will produce another image to which we can hold onto. Another life, if you may. What are mirrors associated with? Vanity, flattery, social climbing, and utter moral lassitude. Thus began the degradation of society: the introduction of the individualistic state. It is often necessarily to live as an individual in order to advance oneself in life, but to give one’s self complete to this notion is synonymous to selling one’s soul to the Devil. Look at the period that we as Americans emulate the most, the Renaissance. A time period that was so immersed in its notions of self-righteousness brought about the ideas of secularization, humanism, individualism, and subjectivity. The mirror became a metaphor. A reminder to society of human identity and consciousness. Rather than directing the viewer’s gaze to a moral lesson it forces us to look back at our self.

We live today as slaves to a Greater Being. A being whom we created ourselves. It has entrenched our society, and unless we collectively rise up against it, we are doomed.

Random Thoughts Part VII

1. So...I went to the movies yesterday, and I am sitting next to this girl. Do you know when you can feel staring at you? I keep trying to look over, and finally I see the girl next to me staring at me. Except her left eye is staring at me and her head is turned toward me. Her right eye, though, was turned to the screen watching the movie. I have never been so weirded out in my life. I am still shooken up by an hour and a half of this.

2. I hate the PSP. Remember back when Gameboys were in. People would play these games, except keep the volume up. Um, hello?! I am trying to watch TV. Why do you need to have the volume on? Does it make you feel better? Stupid fools...I thought it went away, but this damn PSP has brought back bad memories.

3. I was driving the other day on I-94 toward Chicago. I look over to the side of the road, and there is a girl squatting and pooping on the side of the road. Really? Could you not move ten feet behind you and find a bush. Do you really want to put yourself in a position where anyone can see your stuff? I mean normally I would not mind, but she was fat. FML.

4. You know when someone calls, and you miss it because you are in the shower. You come out and call them right away. Tell me why for some reason they do not answer the phone. You JUST called me, but 5 minutes later you cannot answer your phone. Bullshit. If you were in an important meeting, you would not leave to call, so obviously you are just incapable of doing things right.

5. Rosemary Foccacia. Absolutely delicious. Panera, once a week. JUST for the Rosemary Focaccia bread. When I order it now though, there is NO rosemary. They still call it the same thing, but just took off the rosemary! What kind of jip is that?! It was a sad day.

6. Ugh so the professor just assigned you readings to do at home. Sucks right? The most amazing thing in the world is though when you open the book, the actual book does not start till like page 4 or 5! AMAZING! I mean no one actually reads that Preface or Introduction garbage. I have no clue what happened to pages 1-4, or why they just disappeared from the book, but hey at least I do not have to read them.

7. So I really wanted to hang up on this secretary the other day. She is one of those people you just hope falls over dead in the next five minutes. When I went to go do it though, I realized stupid technology had caught up with me, and I now have a cordless phone. The whole process was just so much less gratifying. Yet again, another sad day.

Breath of Fresh Air

Well here I go....I know many of you were waiting for me to say this for a long time...

I am no longer on the medical school track. (Theresa do not kill me for two years of torture I put you through lol)

I am currently getting an MS in Public Affairs. I have decided after this to get my Ph.D. For years now, I have thought about becoming a professor. I think now I shall run for it. I want to have an impact on my students and help with their development. There is something about opening that door for someone for the first time.

Medicine can offer just that as well, but I am so much more interested in the healing aspect of medicine rather than the studies of it. I want to be a healing mechanism for people. I want to be a soundboard, a tool, a mechanism for change in people's lives. I want to be a conduit for people searching to enhance their lives or even turn over a new leaf.

I want to be more than a professor though. Over the years I have established some very strong connections. I am on a very good communication basis with Chancellor Bantz in that we e-mail often. I am also in good contact with several Vice-Chancellors, Deans, and Administrators that I met at IUPUI. Do I really want to throw all this away? Or not take advantage of this? I will be the next Chancellor of IUPUI. I will be the Dean of Faculties just like Dean Sukhatme. This is my vision, and I shall go with it.

I wish to reach the top echelon of the university. I am currently looking at several different areas to get my Ph.D. in.

Communication and Culture
Comparative Literature
Political Science
History, Philosophy & Comparative Education
Health Behavior
Public Policy
Public Affairs (I could do a joint option in both Public Policy and Public Affairs)
Philanthropic Studies

I am very excited. I wish to also still be involved in Politics, and you may notice a strong disposition towards health. I still am very intersted in that aspect. Please do not respond saying anything negative about medicine. It is an amazing field of which I have the utmost respect for. My Dad is my idol, and seeing the majesty of his work has inspired me enough for several lifetimes. I just think I am going to use his influence in another aspect.

:-)

Random Thoughts Part VI

1. One of my favorite feelings in the world is warm printed paper. I love printing several pages at a time when my hands or feet are cold because that I would just cover them with the paper. It is one of the single best feelings in the world. I am not going to lie, there were times in the USG Office when I would print 20 blank pages just so I could do this lol.

2. I hate it when people give me directions. Everyone always tries to one up each other acting like they are better because they know their way around. Instead of telling me to turn right onto Foster, what do these people tell me? Turn North on Foster. Or turn East down Woodfield. WTH does that mean?! I do not have a fricking compass in my hand to automatically know which direction I am in. I already have trouble with right and left, lets not bring North and South in as well...

3. I really hate when people give picture frames as gifts. I am not going to lie when I first get them I love them and think its pretty much the best gift ever, but in one year from now when I dislike you and have no wish to speak to you anymore, what do I do? I really like the frame, so I do not want to throw it away, but I just think there is something sacriligeous about putting someone else's picture inside a frame that someone else got you. I still have not found a solution to this problem...

4. I push the handicapped button, and I am awesome. I feel sorry for all you people who think it is being lazy. I think its actually the other way around where I am actually the smart one using my resources like a good leader. Why should I use my energy to open the door when a perfectly good mechanism is in place to do it for me.

5. OK, I have made my judgement about the Snuggie from the previous post. I decided I despise the Snuggie. It is stupid, and there is no way they are having that much fun in the Snuggie. They do not even look nice anyway.

6. I really hate having dreams about people I know. Especially when my dreams carry over to the real world. Whenever I have a dream about someone, and I am upset with them in the dream. I automatically get pissed at them in real life. I for some reason hold whatever they did to me in the dream against them. They shouldn't be messing up in the first place though.

7. So, it is nice sometimes running into people at the store that you have not seen in a while. You talk for a few minutes until it gets really awkward, so you make an excuse about how you need to go get something for your Mom or find her. You leave just to remember that you were in that aisle for a reason to grab some soap. Now you have to walk back in shame and say hi all over again, make it even more awkward, and then comtemplate about what a fool you looked like for days. FML.

False Identity

Who am I?

Areef Kassam.

That is what I thought, that is who I was, until today.

No I have not had a sex change or anything crazy happen, but I did realize something. It is not the person that makes an impact in this world. We are just bodies, just means of transportation and storage.

I bet half of your are lost and stopped ready and the other half are thinking what the hell am I smoking. Our friends, family, acquintances, mentors come into our loves, and we fall in love with them. We attach ourselves and establish our identity through other people. Relationships disappear over time though. Some leave by choice, some fate takes away, and others are victim to time. The pain is the same though initially. As the initial pain wears off, grief may linger, but even that will usually dissipate over time.

As the months and years go by, that laugh that could always make you laugh becomes inaudible and that face that always that always brought you strength fades away. They become a memory gone with the wind. Their memory is not gone though. It lives on. It lives on in the impact and lessons that those people helped you with. In this way their legacy is created. Who are we all then. I think we get lost in these bonds of attachment, these relationships that we forge. Do we truly care for these people? Yes I believe so, but I think we care more for what they have given to us and for what they stand for. Who they truly are whether it was their honesty and integrity that motivated you to change your path. Their love and devotion which taught you how to live.

We fall in love with people, but I think we really fall in love with their qualities, with who they are. These bodies are nothing, these names that we have are nothing. My identity will fade away, but the impact that I have made and hope to made will live on. Maybe this is a key to life, or maybe it is not. It just seems that we put these false identities on bodies and names when the essence of it goes deeper beyond that. Maybe in order for my legacy to continue I need to step away. Maybe I need to become that memory, gone with the wind.

Random Thoughts Part V

1. Rachel Ray is the devil. I might have to go back in a previous post and change Sarah Jessica Parker to Rachel Ray because I just forgot how much I despise this woman. First of the all the girl is ugly and fat. How is she going to be on a show promoting good eating if the only thing she is shoving in her face is fat and grease. I mean come on she is the spokesperson for Dunkin' Donuts...yeah Rachel good continuity there...And also she is stupid. She obviously cannot tell time. Her stupid 30 min. meals show is not 30 min. OK, sure she might fool you and say that it lasts 30 min., but she will randomly already have things prepared or cheat. She is a poison on the Food Network.

2. "I guess." This is my new most hated line. It annoys the crap out of me. You know when you are having a conversation with someone and trying to convince them of something and all they say is "I guess." They are not agreeing with you, they are simply using it as a tool to really say "No, you are utterly wrong, but I don't feel like dealing with this anymore, so I am going to end the subject." I see through their shenanigans.

3. I enjoy myself a good game of Yahoo Pool or Chess or even recently Scrabble. What really irks me though is when you are in the middle of a movie. Pretty much the move of the game, the move that people will remember, and all of a sudden Facebook pops up showing you have a new chat message with some idiot that you do not want to speak with. Too many games have been ruined from these people.

4. Do you ever get up in the morning or get home from work or school and are excited to check your e-mail. Maybe that e-mail youo sent out has a response or your friend or family sent you some nice words. You log on to see 10 new e-mails only to be dismayed that most of them are stupid advertisements. No I do not want to see the newest promotion from Amazon or Ticketmaster. I will come to your sites when I wish to purchase something. I have no interest in buying the 2nd season of WEEDS or Miley Cirius tickets. I need to find a way to get rid of these because no matter how many times I unsuscribe it comes back.

5. I am Lactose-Intolerant. What is up with all Easterners being lactose-intolerant though. Basically my whole family cannot drink milk or eat dairy products without having a painful night in the bathroom. I do not know what I did to deserve this punishment, but I really enjoy a tall, cool glass of milk with some cookies.

6. Every now and then a commercial comes around that you find funny or has a really nice catchy tune with it. Don't you hate though when there are two versions of the commericial, and only one version has your favorite part. Of course when you finally come across it while watching TV, it is the stupid shortened version. Life is so cruel sometimes.

7. In America people spend so much money and time going to tanning salons or going to the beach to get darker. Americans look at Indians and want to be dark like them. I just find it so weird because the darker you are in the Indian culture the more looked down upon you are. We want to be fairer while the Americans want to be darker.

Poison

As time goes by the more and more and I realize the impact that one's attitude has on his life. Attitude is more important than any facts in any given situation. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than success, than what anyone might say or think.

It transcends appearance, skill, talent. It may break or make a home, relationship, life. The thing that is truly remarkable about attitude though is that we have a choice to choose our attitude everyday. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the facts that surround a situation. We cannot change how people might react, nor can we change what is inevitable. There is but one thing that any person has control of, and that is our attitude. I know I talked about this in an earlier blog, but I am seeing the womb of that that tree bearing fruit more and more. The situations that surround me are but a small percentage of my life, the biggest percentage of my life is how I react to a given situation.

I am turning over a new leaf. I am sucking the poison out of my life. I have been infected. We all have been infected with the poison of grudges, hurt, pain, malice, and anger. We hold on them to them to justify ourselves. When someone hurts me, I told that against them. I use that pain to fuel myself. What kind of life is that? A life that is fueled by anger, hurt, or pain. These feelings are fleeting, they are the work of evil. Once they burn out, the person is left with nothing. No fuel to move in any direction. I must find positive energy to back me up.

When I am mad at someone and hold things against them, it is really only hurting me in the end. I want them to hurt like I do, but in the end I hurt myself me. I am turning over a new leaf. I am releasing the negative in my life and trying to walk a more narrow road. A road of self-discovery.

"SHE DWELT AMONG THE UNTRODDEN WAYS"

She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

I love Wordsworth...definitely my favorite poet...his words always speak to me.

Random Thoughts Part IV

1. I hate when people mis-pronounce Fanta. Its wanta, Fanta, doncha wanta. The 'A' is short sounding not long sounding. It pisses me off when people say Fanta with the long A.

2. I refused to eat canned food. I know people call me spoiled, but it is not that it is below me. It just disgusts me. This food was processed and created together then individually shot into cans with machines. They were made in one of those disgusting factories and somehow lasts months. I know other food go through this process, but canned foods just disgust me the most. They also confuse me. No one told me that you have to add water to soup. I tried cooking a can of Cream of Chicken a while back, and I just plopped it in the can and turned the heat on. No one told me you had to add water, so I had a burnt glob of processed filth. Yuck.

3. I was at my cousin's house the other day, and I decided to eat some banana bread that they made. Later on my face started itching, and my breathing was heavy, and I had a high fever. Somehow I had become allergic to bananas. WTH. I have been eating bananas for years, and NOTHING has ever happened. Apparently my body just woke up that morning and decided hmmm I don't feel like eating bananas anymore so lets just cut that out. I am not happy.

4. I love driving on the expressway at like 70-80mph and having my arm out the window. It is so much fun pushing it against the wind. Its even more thrilling when its raining out and those drops are hitting your arm at 80mph. It feels like someone is sticking needles in your arm simultaneously all over. For some odd reason, I love the sensation though...

5. I am in the shower the other day, and I hear my phone ringing right outside. CRAP! Its the person that I have been trying to call all day trying to reach me. There is not much I can do with shampoo in my hair and my body lathered in soap. Of course once I get out of the shower and call them back, they do not answer, and I am stuck yet again. I think we really need shower phones. How many times have you been in the shower and wanted to answer the phone at the same time. I think this is a great idea.

6. Raised letters just fascinate me. I'm not talking about braille, but just letters or numbers that are raised. I think I have a problem because when I find something like this I cannot stop touching it. I am issues with touch to begin with. Even when I go shopping, I do not shop by look first. I walk through the racks and isles and feel every shirt without really looking at them. If I like the touch, then I will actually look at the shirt. Yeah, I know I have issues.

7. Do you know what one of the best sensations in the world is? Brushing your teeth RIGHT after you shower. You are dirty and you wash it off all clean, but it always makes me mouth feel like crap. I have actually taken my brush into the shower before and brushed in there because I am telling you there is no better feeling when youre body is all clean along with your mouth. I know it sounds stupid, but bring your brush into the shower before you judge.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

A few weeks ago, I was in Indy and decided to drive around IUPUI, one last time. It might not be my last time (I am sure, in fact), but I think it will be the last time through this lens and frame of mind. I graduated on the 10th, moved out on the 11th, and I left the country on the 12th. It was hardly a practical way of moving on or letting go of four years.

Every few weeks I tried going back, pushed off taking responsibility, and clung on to what had defined me for so long. I cannot let my past define who I am today. It is true that the past gives context. It gives you the information and background and experience as to how to live one's life, but that brings me to my point. That brings me to my point that the past gives the tools that we need to work on our present and the future. It gives them to us, but it does not work on our present or future with us. It must stay in its place.

It is important to know your past. I love History, so I especially know the value of the past, but I also believe there is value in of keeping an open-minded and using a fresh slate at times. Back to my story. I drove around from place to place. Every image that my eyes gazed upon brought so many memories back. I went from place to place, thanked my fortune, and I said good-bye. I am closing this chapter of my life. I am not necessarily ready to move on, but that is life. You either grab onto it while you can, or drown.

There were a lot of characters that have shaped my story in the past few years. Characters that came and went within the chapter itself. There will be many characters whose parts end with the closing with this chapter, but there will be some also who continue their role as my story continues. Neither is more or less than the either. Each one played an integral part in my development, but I must focus on the next role that I play.

I was selfish for four years. My family needed me at home, but I stayed at school. It was not that I did not try to come home and be there for my family, but my Mom and Dad would simply not allow it. Maybe they did want it, but being the way that they were, they would never ask for it. I had an absolute blast at university, especially the latter half. I met friends that I hope I will keep for life, and I had amazing times with them.

While I was having a great time, I was also needed at home. I tried my best to come home every other weekend, so that I could help out whenever I could. While I was away, several people that were not even in my family stepped up to be there for my Mom and Dad. They had no blood allegiance to us, but their love and compassion, and in my opinion, true understanding of the meaning of life led them to this path. They may not technically be family, but they became closer to me than my actual family. They are brothers in the strongest sense.

I did not get into medical school for a reason. I know this. It was my time. It was my duty to return to home. I truly believe that I have to take my place in the scheme of things, take my place in my family. I am no longer a little boy anymore. I have to help run the house-hold, help run the business. I have to do my part, and I believe that is why I was destined to return home.

I am not ashamed like many people to return home. I know this is where my place is and where the next chapter of my life will begin to unfold. People ask me why I chose not to go to Grad. School at IUPUI. I had the options. I applied. I was accepted, but it was never an option. I was living life as an individual. In a previous blog, I mentioned that this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does not coincide with my ideals. It is not my path. I love arguing with Brady about stuff like this. He is the exact opposite than me in many ways, but it is weird that I relate to him more than other people because we have the same goals and vision.

Somethings things just feel right. I am leaving behind a lot. It is by choice. I could have continued with it again, but there was no more room for growth. I would continue living on there for in my own selfishness, seeking material gain and happiness. I am very good at looking at the little things and details, but I also know when it is appropriate to look at the big picture.

I am a firm believer in karma. Though I think western culture sometimes butchers its true meaning and essence. Karma is not what goes around comes around necessarily. In this context, I look at it as a mechanism of paying forward and backward. When someone does something nice to me, it does not necessarily mean I am bound to do something nice back by the law of karma. It could mean that, but it could also mean that I pay that nice deed foward and give someone else that same benefit. When someone is a leader, you do not groom future leaders with the hopes they take care of you after that. You groom them with the hopes that they take what you taught them and teach it to the next group EVEN BETTER.

It is one's duty, one's obligation to take everything that one receives and give it back out ten-fold. I learned a lot about the world, myself, my values, and my goals in the past four years. I hope that I was able to impart what I learned on others around me. As I close this chapter, I WILL be even better. I will be even stronger, even better than anything anyone taught me at IUPUI, and I will take that attitude into these next two years whether personal or professional. I am becoming who I was born to be. I am stepping into my role. I will take hold of these next two years and establish myself even more. I have my memories and the tools from the past four years now, and I am beginning to take the first steps away.

I am grateful from all the love and blessings I have received, but a part of that love and blessings is that I do something with. Unrequited love and unfulfilled blessings is worse than a curse. I will make that love and those blessings proud. It is my duty.

Random Thoughts Part III

I started to type a serious post, but I will save that for another day and just post a fun post about stuff that I have noticed :-).

1. I HATE Sarah Jessica Parker. I have never seen a more annoying, ugly woman in my life. If I had the power to kill one person in the world, I would not hesitate to kill her. She is an atrocity to the human race. From her nose, to her man looks, to her sheer stupidity and NO talent. She had no right to breathe.

2. I have to put everything into hierarchies. It is just who I am. One hierarchy that I really do not think people appreciate is the hierarchy of soft drinks. If I ask for a Coke, I judge the restaurant or the person based on what they give me. At the top is the glass bottle. Nothing tops that. Following the glass bottle (which is obviously leagues ahead) is from the tap. The amount of fizz is amazing, and you cannot help but smile. Following that are cans and then a 2 Liter. Last the plastic bottle. You may ask why the plastic bottle is last and not the 2 Liter. True that the 2 Liter loses gas and goes flat quicker, but the size of the plastic bottle causes the drink inside to take on the the taste of plastic. It is atrocious.

3. The Willis Tower. "Hey guys, did you want to come up to Chicago, and we can go head over to the Willis Tower?" WTH, NO! I would not like to go to no Willis Tower. I am proud to be in Chicago. I love this city, but I have lost all respect for it when it did nothing when those British morons changed the Sears Tower's name to Willis Tower. The city of Chicago did nothing as these British terrorists committed blasphemy and took away Chicago's trademark. I hearby vow never to enter this building again until its RIGHTFUL name is restored.

4. My phone vibrates. I see I have a text from a number that I do not have in my phone. "Hey Areef! I was just seeing if you want to get together for lunch tomorrow?" DAMMIT! Why did I have to go through my phone and delete half my numbers because I was in a cynical mood. It seems like everytime I purge my phone, I get 2-3 texts from people asking to hang out. I don't know why I always screw myself over. I used to just be like "Oh, sorry I got a new phone, who is this?" This may seem like it would work, but after using it THREE times on the SAME person, I think they got the picture that I am lying lol. This is definitely a problem, and I have yet to find a solution to this issue. I wish cell phones had caller ID...

5. I have to use the bathroom really bad, so I pull into my garage and rush to the bathroom. I do the deed, and then I look and there is NO toilet paper. Who the hell uses the bathroom uses the toilet paper and does not replace it? They obviously knew that they used the last piece, because they have picked the cardboard roll so that it is clean like a bone. What is this world coming to when people are beginning to ignore bathroom ettiquette.

6. I hate when a friend asks me to go get something to eat and they ONLY order a salad or a soup. You asked me to go out, and I get this big meal because I am hungry, but now I look like a pig because all you got was a cup of soup. How about when you go to Starbucks with someone, and they get NOTHING! The waiter is probably thinking that this person obviously wants to get in and out and not be with this fat ass.

7. Do any of you remember SmarterChild? I went to IM him and talk to him the other day and much to my dismay, they SHUT HIM OFF! SmarterChild's brain was retired. I miss getting into arguments with him or just chatting about random things. Today was a sad day...

Fate

Aug. 6...I've been dreading this date for a while. This month in actuality. It is going to be a really difficult month for me. My emotions are very up and down. My Dad passed away one year ago on Aug. 30, but this month haunts my memories nearly every day. The hours at the hospital, the sleepless nights, the anguish, and the confusion. Many people who have lost a parent or a close loved one kind of haze over the details, and it becomes a haze. I live those details everyday as if they happened only yesterday.

I do not regret anything because it has brought me to where I am today, and for that, I would change nothing. That is not to say that I am not saddened by the way some things transpired, but everything has a rhyme and a reason.

Anyway back to the date...Aug. 6. I had not been home much before this because I was studying hardcore for the MCAT. I took it Aug. 5 then drove to Chicago to see Midwestern. That was fun, but then I drove Mike to Six Flags and then home and because I hit rush hour it took me like 4 hours to get home. I was so tired when I got home that I just went to sleep. I barely saw my Mom or my Dad. The next morning I took my Dad to go see a kidney specialist. I was planning on giving him my kidney because I was a match. We were just doing some final tests to get it all ready.

We were driving home, and my Dad wanted a Coke Slurpee. He had not had one for years, and this is the first time in memory since he got sick that I remember him asking for one. Mom kept yelling no because of the sugar content, but the way my Dad asked and looked at me I could not refuse. He had his Slurpee, and I could see how happy it made him. While driving back Home, we started talking about life support. For the past few years, my Dad said very little, but today he was talking. He told me that he did not want to be on life support, and to make sure to pull the plug. I believe I was fated to have this conversation. I dropped my parents off, said goodbye and headed to Indianapolis. That was the last talk that I would ever have with my Dad.

I went back to school and started RA Training the next day. Pretty stressful time, and there were a few situations that happened. Aug. 16 at 11PM, I was reading some of my friends palms. Those of you that know me know that I can read palms pretty well and a lot of people ask me to do it. They asked me that day if I could read my own hand. I said it was bad luck, but I was suaded enough to take a look. When looking at my life-line, I saw that a catastrophe was on its way. That a death was looming and that something bad was going to happen really soon. Ten minutes later my Mom called and said my Dad had gone into cardiac arrest, but he was stablized. He was even joking around. Mom did not want me to come home saying everything was fine, but I knew that was just the Mom in her being protective.

Ultimately, I decided that I would stay in Indy because I had so many meetings and such to do. I had USG meetings, classes starting in a few days, Housing move-in, IPM training, WoWfest, JagCorps, and so much more. Not saying I was not upset, but I thought everything would be fine. I thought that there was nothing to worry about. Looking back now I think I was selfishly not wanting to mess up my schedule. I was already stressed to the max and worried about getting everything done. I thought that if I could finish this week, then I would be able to go home.

Later that night, my Dad had kept buzzing to have the nurse help him use the restroom. He apparently had been trying for 10 minutes, but the damn nurses were not doing their job and did not come. He got out of bed to go to the restroom himself. While walking he fell, went into cardiac arrest again, and lost oxygen to his brain. He would never wake up again.

From August 17 - 26, we tried everything we could. At the hospital for 12+ hours everyday. Struggling to hold on to some semblance of hope. Tensions were high, everyone blaming the other. It was then that I remembered what my Dad had told me just those two short weeks earlier. People did not want to give up, but I knew this is what my Dad wanted. This is what was right. On August 26, we pulled the plug, and we put him in a hospice, waiting for his last breath to pass. For four days, his lungs gasped for air until his body let go on August 30. The funeral was held 3 days later on Sept. 2.

It was almost as if my Dad knew his time was up. The Slurpee, the talk, so many other signs in those last few weeks. I miss him everyday. Everyone keeps saying it is OK that I did not get into medical school, but the thing that bothers me the most is that I wanted to partly for my Dad. I wanted to show him that he raised a great son and that I made him proud and accomplished what he wanted as well. I want to be a doctor and follow in his footsteps, made the impact that he made. I know this is my path, and I will be resilient in it. I have other strengths which may make me suited even better for something else, but I will bring those strengths to my career as a doctor. I will make you proud Dad.

This month will be pretty difficult, but I know I have to be strong for my family. I know I have to take my Dad's place. A King is forbidden to cry because one tear from him will raise 1,000 tears from his people. I know too, that one tear from me shall raise the tears of all my family members.

I will be strong...I am strong.

Indian Superstitions

These are just a few that I remember hearing or that my Mom poured down my throat lol.

1. When you are about to go out somewhere and someone asks where are you going?
2. If you sneeze an odd number of times then try and leave the house...not sure what to do if this happens...try and sneeze again lol?
3. If a widow casts her shadow upon you, then you will know only bad luck or if you are a woman become a widow yourself.
4. If a cat crosses your path, it is a bad omen. You cannot proceed, you have to turn around and find another way.
5. When you hit your head or feet on the threshhold.
6. When you pour milk and it overflows, it is considered a great omen.
7. A guest is coming when your right hand itches.
8. You can never sleep with your head to the north or your bed facing the door.
9. Cannot cut your nails after dark or shower at 7PM, 12AM, or 4AM.
10. When you break a glass, it means a death in the family is coming. If you keep this broken glass inside, it will continue to signal bad luck.
11. When you are boiling milk, and it overflows...you're screwed lol.
12. If you sneeze right before you are about to do something, it is bad luck.
13. If an animal dies on your property, means one of your family was spared from death.

OK, there are a lot more...but I am exhausted...night!

Keirsey Temperment/Meyers-Briggs Test

Pretty much exactly me :-)

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

Catch-up

Sorry everyone for the delay...been pretty busy.

I've been tutoring my cousins a lot in English. I definitely love teaching. I might put this idea on the back-burner, since I believe there is a lot of potential there. I am getting involved in my "churches" "Sunday school." Sorry for the all the quotations lol, but most people would just be confused if I used the real terms. I think it is going to be a great experience. I am looking forward to working with the little kids and also networking and providing a service to the community.

Sarah mentioned that there might an opening at her Home Health Care Clinic in the next couple of weeks, so I am hoping that works out :-). I had dinner with her the other day. It was such a great dinner. We both have come a long way from our first year of IUPUI. IUPUI and Purdue really did a lot of us, and I definitely am glad she will only be 40 min. away at Valpo.

I went to Indy for our 1 year celebration. I went to Howl at first with the brothers and their girlfriends. It was a REALLY good time. It has dueling pianos and they play songs by requests. Lots of crazy singing and great times.

Yesterday was amazing though. It was great hanging out with the brothers, especially as the night drew on lol. The craziest part was at like 3 in the morning though. We were just chilling on the porch when at the house kiddy-corner to ours there was a lot of yelling and screaming. Eventually two guys walk over and start asking for some Asian guy named Ben. He then starts to try and walk up our steps. I had ran in for a second to get some of the other guys out because I thought there was about to be a rumble. Holly pushes the guy, and then the guy turns around and for no reason punches his friend in the face. The friend is like WTH, and he goes and does it again.

The cops had arrived by this point, and handcuff the guy. We are just sitting on the porch wanting to be out there in case they wanted us to comment or anything. After a little while the guy shoulders the cop and has been saying "F* you cop!" and "I'm a marine" the entire time. The two cops then throw the guy to the ground and as one holds him down the other takes a flashlight and bludgeons the guy in the face. The cops continue to hold him down as they punch his face and keep on kicking him for a good minute. Afterwards the guy is not even moving, and they check if he is still breathing.

Later on he gets up and just walks off behind our house. The cops do not even notice until we are like "Uhh are you going to restrain the guy, he's going into our backyard." The cops nonchalantly walk back then and walk him back as if he was a little child gone astray. Maybe they felt bad for the police brutality they inflicted earlier. What a night!

I got to see Brady and his Mom today which was fun. I can definitely tell where he gets some of his habits from haha, but a very great family. Was very touched that they asked me to come out with them. Traffic was hell getting home. Took almost 3 hours, but now going to go watch some GSN! I will update again probably later tonight or tomorrow lol.

Random Thoughts Part II

1. Have you noticed every city has a Martin Luther King Dr.? What gets me, is that every city it is in, the street is in a bad neighborhood. Atlanta, Chicago, Indianapolis, Gary. Just a curious realizaiton.

2. OK, this one is against my own people. I HATE it when my people go to the beach or water park. For some reason, Indians think it is cool to act like white folk, so they want to do all these things. They are so half-assed though that they still go in their saris (traditional Indian clothing). No one wants to be fricking swimming in that shit, especially me, and I am Indian. Put on a damn bathing suit, or just keep out of the water like a proper Indian lady.

3. Do you know when you are driving down the highway and someone has their brights on behind you...acceptable I suppose; it is dark. WTH is up with these morons turning on their brights on the expressway in the middle of Chicago. I don't need any lights on to see, but instead I get blinded by these idiots who think they know how to drive. I showed them though, I always let them pass me then go behind them and high beam them. Stupid jerks.

4. "Hey, what are you upto?" What is the response I am looking for here? Any myriad of options is acceptable. What is not acceptable is a fricking call immediately after I send this text message. Nine times out of ten I will simply ignore the call for sheer ignorance of SMS ettiquete. If I wanted to call you, I would have. I have no urge to speak to you on the phone obviously, so I have texted you. It is easier, and I can multi-task and not devote all my energy to that call. I think there needs to be some sort instructional handbook about this kind of stuff because people are struggling.

5. I hate when I am driving through a construction zone, and I see some guy holding up a sign. I notice that he is not even really holding it up, but it is in a stand and he is simply standing next to it. What's up with that? Instead of finsihing up the job quicker, he is being a lazy bum. Why don't you put those my tax dollars to use and do something you waste of life.

6. If I could make a wish (setting aside personal gain and all that let there be peace bullshit), I would get rid of all guns, nukes, aircrafts, all that rubbish. I would take us back to a time of sword and spear. Life was so much more badass then. Guns and all this technology is so cheap. I know it takes some skill, but some other mechanism is helping out a great deal as well. A sword requires so much more skill. I have decided.

7. OK, so this is an extension of a previous random thought. I wish to extol the proper use of next weekend because apparently this is an issue as well. If I were to say next weekend right now, I would mean the weekend of Aug. 7-9. If I were to say next weekend on this past Sunday, I would mean the weekend of July 31-Aug. 2. I hope this helps people. Make no more mistakes with this with me.

Frustration

I am so damn annoyed...

You know when you have an itch on your toes, and you just cannot get it? I am scratching one toe, and it turns out it really is another toe that is itching.

I go over to that other toe, but my stupid toes are so tender that either the skin has calloused over and makes no difference or I cannot scratch hard enough to really fulfill that itch.

It is so annoying when you think the itch is on the surface, but it really is itching inside and all you can do is sit there and endure the pain.

Stupid toes...Kelsey

My Little Brothers

There is no word in Gujarati for cousins. I was always brought up that all my cousins were my brothers and sisters. Even some family friends I regard just as much as brothers and sisters.

I never thought my family could grow even bigger. That is until I joined Phi Psi. It was definitely one of the best decisions of my life, and my family grew 40+ in a moment. (Not that that really impacts the number of my family since I am Indian lol).

My family before Phi Psi taught me my potential. They taught me who I can be, my skills, and my path in life. My Phi Psi family taught me my worth. They helped me fully realize and understand the aforementioned things.

Through my journey in Phi Psi I have come across many people, many relationships. The ones that have meant the most to me, have been my relationships with my Little Brothers. In Phi Psi, we have Big Brothers who are mentors to their Little Brothers. The relationship is definitely by no means one sided. The Little Brother in turn also helps the Big Brother in so many ways as well.

I was never given a Little in actuality. In some ways you could say, my lineage ended with me. I , however, believe that my lineage is more like the Hapsburg family who married the shit out of everyone and spread it that way lol. But in all seriousness I wanted to recognize and honor those who have impacted me as being a Little to me, and in return helped my grow and become the person I am today. They do not know and probably will never know how much they have impacted me, but I wanted to honor them in this blog.

I know nearly all of these people have Bigs of their own, but this is not an insult to any of them that they did not do an adequate job or anything. You can have this relationship with more than one person.

Brady: Definitely the person that has challenged me more than anyone. It was a goal of mine to help him get set up in college, but in return he helped me get set up on my path. He helped me realize what I believe my reason in life is through my interactions with him. He also helped me understand my sense of duty more than anyone which I expressed in a previous post. He is by no means the most compassionate person you will ever meet ( I think that is an under-statement) , but he sense of loyalty is unparalled. I believe we share similar notions of loyalty and dedication. He is and always will be Little...though he is more Big than he will ever know.

Ronnie: What to say about a person that has become a role model for me myself. Ronnie never gives up, no matter the odds. Even when people take him for granted and in ways abuse the relationship, Ronnie does not move an inch. Putting someone else's happiness first, thinking of the Greater Good, these are all things Ronnie has taught me. I can honestly say he is one of the most impressive people I have ever met. He has countless people that emulate him, and he never lets any of them down.

Nick Estrada: My Little Mexican :-). Haha, definitely a great guy. I believe we have talked about literally everything in the world and come to agreement on 95% of everything. He has helped me come out of my shell. I used to hate confrontation, but he has helped me become more opinionated and handle things in a very mature manner. Like Brady, he is not the nicest person ;-), but he is always there for me. I know he would drop anything to be there for me, and I know I can count on him time and time again. I will always cherish all our talks :-).

Joe: Joe is a drug-dealing stuck up prick, and all he thinks about is the next girl he is going to bang. Boy was I wrong lol, well except for the prick part ;-). Joe does speak his mind, but he believes in the Greater Good. He always puts the Fraternity above himself. He is not afraid to call anyone out, not because he does believes he has no room for improvement but because he expects the best from everyone because that is all he knows how to give. I have learned to expect the best of myself through him. He has impacted me greatly, especially since graduating, and I hope he knows how much our relationship means to me.

Sean: I still remember the first time I met Sean, and he ran out of Crackers without paying his bill :-). Sean has definitely been another constant in my life. We often grow out of touch, but I know we can always jump right back to where we left off. Sean was actually the first "Little" of mine I guess you could say. I have seen his full transformation, and I am glad he believes in himself, for that is exactly what gift he gave to me. I am so happy for him and love him to death.

Spencer: Spencer is a very quiet guy when you first meet him. Even after you meet him, he can be very reserved. He has a great deal of heart though. Spencer can be there and be one of the most dedicated people without saying one word. There is value in learning when to be the leader in the front, and when to lead by example. I am glad that we have been able to get to know each other better. I will never forget those times in my apartment...just the five of us...definitely one of the best times of my college life.

Derek: D-go! Though he is older than me, I definitely view him as a Little Brother. Derek understands the meaning of brotherhood. He may not be an officer or will never be, but he is steadfast. He understands the values of brotherhood and will always be a brother to anyone who reaches out to him. I know Derek will always be in my life in some way. He was there for me through some of my hardest times, even when some of my closest friends were not.

Ryan: If there is one person I know I can call at anytime. If there is one person that will listen to me no matter. If there is one person that will accept me for who I am. It is Sexton. His understanding is unparalled. Sexton has been my support. He has been a crutch to me. He sheds light on my life and gives me reason to keep going on. His story always inspires me. I can only hope to follow in his footsteps of perserverance.

Nick M.: McGee is someone that I am sad I did not get a chance to get to know better. He really is a great guy that knows what it takes to succeed. He believes in me just as much as I believe in myself. He gives me hope and encouragement. I worry about Phi Psi from time to time, but I really beleive it is in good hands, especially with McGee there.

Evan: My VERY Little brother. Evan has definitely grown up quite a bit. I think he has found his niche and finally showing his true colors. I think Evan can truly move mountains as long as he puts his mind to it. Evan can always make me smile. Sometimes when I was down, I used to go up to his room just so I can talk to him and make me smile.

Tyler R.: Like McGee, Tyler believes in me. In a time when my self-esteem was very low, he helped me to expand upon it and believe in myself. I believe I am capable of anything and everything. I believe I am capable of anything and everything because of Tyler Reese. He worries a lot about the future sometimes, but I believe in him and know he has what it takes.

Tyler Z.: My newest Little. I think he is another person who is the future of Phi Psi. I think he is finally getting settled in, and I believe he will be President one day. He has the drive, the motivation, the determination, the values, the sight that Phi Psi will need. I am sad that I will not be able to see it, but I know he will take Phi Psi to the next level. He is the embodiment of what it takes to be a brother.

Though my colors Blue and Silver will not be passed down. I know they will live on. They have changed my life, they have made me whole, they have given me a new life.